Hm.

I contacted the funeral home that dealt with Emily's ashes and wanted to see when I could bring Dad's and get my urn finished. Unfortunately, they changed their policy because they accidentally broke someone's urn and had to pay to replace it, so they no longer accept outside containers. Lovely. I did some mental debating with myself and decided I would fill it myself. I picked it because it looks like something he'd like and it was less than $20, and I wasn't about to spend $100 on an urn the funeral home provided. So, I did it. And it sucked so much. I had to keep telling myself it was just dust, not Dad, but it was definitely something I don't think I want to do again. When I got home, I settled him on his shelf with his things. I did notice, however, that Emily's is much lighter, so I wonder if I over-filled or if they didn't put enough in hers... I dunno. It doesn't really matter, does it? I told Zac I probably just have Emily's middle finger. But that's all done. I even put some of Dad's ashes in Karen's necklace she picked out, even though I was reluctant for two reasons: 1. it's a very small opening and maybe holds a pinch. 2. She hasn't spoken to me since January and has basically "disowned" me because I'm friends with Krystal... go figure. Anyhoo, that's that. I'm sad and just want to sleep.

Sunday

Zac picked up Dunkin' Donuts this morning and one of their not-too-bad pumpkin spice coffees. We spent most of the day somewhat restless, but ended up taking the kids and dogs on a walk. Cole got excited to run along the path and scraped his little knees up, but he's a trooper. Both little boys were exhausted. Elias peddled his tricycle while Leah rode her scooter. Jac walked the stroller for us. It was a nice day. I can feel autumn coming, though it may be side effects from the two hurricanes approaching the southern coast. My Louisiana gals are doing alright so far, though. This evening we went on a bike ride and I didn't get a single bug in my eye... that's been something of a common occurrence lately if we head out after 7pm. I've had two separate bugs get into my eye and had to dig them out while leaving a leg piece behind. Disgusting. Anyway, Zac and I spent some time doing artsy things this evening. I started working on the church's nursery paintings, but need to buy more white. Zac drew Charlie Jones from Coraline and cooked dinner. It's felt like a long Sunday, but I'm glad. I like having him home.

Ashes to ashes...

Back in July, I tried to get in touch with the hospital to see when I'd be getting Dad back. I never heard anything from them aside from a "we'll call you next week" and a month goes by. Today, I sent Jac out to get the mail and he asked, "What did you order that weighs so much??" I noticed a much smaller package from Stardust Memorials (the urn) on top and then it clicked what was so heavy. Dad's ashes.

It is odd to think that he fits in a small box. I opened it to see what sort of container he was put in and it was just a little plastic box with a bag of ashes. Cue emotional overload. Things felt heavy. A few weeks ago I was sorting through my Box of Things and came across some letters Dad had written me while I was in college. He put in little comic strips from newspapers, or he'd type something silly or something meaningful. He always signed his name in ink, though. I had a good cry in my closet while Zac had all the kids on a Door Dash delivery. It was refreshing and sad and something I think I needed. I haven't really let myself grieve my dad like I did for Emily.

This evening, I brought the ashes to Mom's. It was weird. I put my purse on the box, which triggered some emotion because Dad used to hold my purse for me if I needed to use a public bathroom or carry a baby, or something else. He never minded that, but it was like pulling teeth for him to purchase feminine products. Anyway, I got to Mom's and she put him on a shelf in her closet until she can go get the ashes divided into various containers for people.

Bored & Stuff.

Things have been pretty uneventful. I rearranged my bedroom and brought things from Mom's back home, plus my old chest of drawers for Cole to use. In case I haven't mentioned it, we changed our minds about selling our house for now. The idea of moving back in with Mom was setting off my anxiety. I've been helping her clean her house a bit, and while I'm there, I'm reminded of why we moved out. I like coming back to my own house. I also quit coffee again... or at least most of the time. I'm still drinking tea, though. However, I'm looking forward to the pumpkin spice latte. It's almost autumn, which is my favorite, but this year just feels off and weird.

Yesterday, Zac and I were getting ready to take the kids on our daily bike ride, but the weather shifted and it was about to storm. We, except Jac who had fallen on his bike a few days before, decided to go a short route through the park. It had started raining before we left the driveway, but we went ahead. Zac and Leah were ahead of me and I spotted something on the trail. I got closer and it looked like a mouse, so I turned around. It was a baby squirrel, then I spotted two more. They were so tiny. I had the baby on my bike so it was awkward trying to stoop down to check if they were still alive. Two were still, but one was still breathing. I picked it up and tucked it in my sleeve, then accidentally let the bike (gently) tip over, which upset Cole for a brief moment. I got us up and going, caught up with Zac and we hurried back to the house as the rain came down more. Zac called an emergency vet, but they don't take wildlife, so they referred him to a rehabilitation center 20 minutes away. I hopped in the van with Leah, baby squirrel in tow, and headed to the lady's house. As much as I wish this story had a happy ending, little girl squirrel passed shortly after I dropped her off. I'm glad she wasn't alone in the rain on a bike trail, but was able to die in a pair of warm hands. It's sad, but I think Leah is considering the option of wildlife rehabilitation when she's older.

Elias is FIVE!

Happy 5th birthday to my sweetie pie rainbow baby bun! He's the most polite and kind-hearted soul. He still loves all things Hot Wheels and rainbows and animals, Sonic the Hedgehog and so many books. Right now, the favorite is Goodnight, Moon. I'm so so lucky to be his mama. 

Beach 2020

Zac and I planned a beach trip a few weeks ago. We were going to drive down early on a Saturday, spend all day at the ocean, then come home. The pandemic got worse, so we started to rethink Elias' birthday wish. Mom offered to book an AirBNB for us, so we could stay a few extra days and relax. I don't love the beach, but the fam does. We drove to Gulf Shores on Thursday and enjoyed the condo until Sunday. I hate the sand, but love the ocean. Zac and I left our balcony door open over night to just listen to the waves. Even Cole slept SO good. It's weird, being out and and about. Everything feels strange and my anxiety has been high since we've been home. I've been sleeping good, which is nice, but I wake up feeling anxious all over again. My heart races and I've been slacking on my routine of biking and cleaning. I feel like we shouldn't have gone anywhere, but also that we NEEDED to go somewhere. I bought masks for the kids and as cute as they are, it's still stupid that our country is number one and masks are mandatory because nobody wants to adhere to common sense. I'm frustrated and as you can read, it takes away the whole point of this post: the beach.

Anyway, we had a nice time. The kids played in the ocean and built castles and dug for clams and seashells. We watched movies and slept on a bed so big I had to make an effort to find Zac's foot with my own. There was a full moon on our last night and it was just beautiful. Even the weather was perfect (mostly around 6pm). The ocean temperature was comfortably cool and the sunsets turned everything orange.