Birth Story

My Nicolas Emil is here!

He was born November 28, 2018 at 7:50pm, weighing 7 pounds; 2 ounces, 19 3/4 inches long. A seven-hour labor and by far, most painful birth.

The Birth Story:

Before I was discharged Monday, I talked with Dr. W about an induction since I was having pain from my UTI and would be full term by then. He had me keep my appointment for Wednesday in order to see if I dilated any further and we'd go from there. I was at 4cm Wednesday morning, so he admitted me to the hospital to have my water broken.

I checked into the hospital around 10am, undressed and had my cervix checked, then was hooked up to a baby monitor, as well as a fluid IV. I was told I couldn't eat anything until the baby came, so I was to just stay put and wait for Dr. W to break my water. Around 1pm, Dr. W came and broke my water bag. I sat on a towel and tried to stay comfortable. I was told by Dr. W that I could walk around or take a shower or whatnot after my bag broke so I could get comfortable. However, after he left, I told the nurse I'd like to walk around, the nurse in charge of "taking care of" me refused my request to walk around because "Nurses get the last say since we're the ones taking care of the patients". So, I was confined to my bed until 5pm when I begged another nurse to let me up because my back was killing me and my contractions that started around 1:30pm had been only 5 minutes apart this entire time without progressing. My nurse checked my cervix and claimed I was only at 3cm, but she finally (and resentfully) allowed me to walk around. Dr. W came to check on me and was not happy that the nurse checked me again and advised me to refuse further cervical checks. Once I was up and moving, my contractions jumped from 5 minutes apart to 2 minutes apart and were on the intense I-have-to-crawl-across-the-floor side. I had spoken with my nurse that I did not want to give birth while on my back and would prefer to be up on my knees or all fours, to which she said she had never heard of such things, but I could only do so if Dr. W was comfortable with it. I was glad she was off her shift by 7pm. I liked my next nurse SO much better.

Around 7pm, I was dilated to a 6/7 and had managed to find a comfortable position on my knees, though the pain was extreme in my hips, lower back, and pelvis to where I was overcome with waves of nausea every time a contraction hit me. By 7:40, I was rethinking why I wanted to go natural again, that Elias' birth didn't hurt NEARLY this much and OMG I just wanted to get this baby out of me. Dr. W came and checked my cervix and couldn't feel it, so he said I could start pushing when I was ready, that he'd be right back after he delivered next door patient's baby, and to give him 5 minutes if possible.

I moaned through contractions that felt hours long and panted through my breaks, trying to bear down and push this little person from my body and remember to breathe, which proved so difficult by how much pain I was in. Zac had to press on my lower back as hard as he could to offset my pelvic pain. After maybe the 10th push, I felt every part of my insides burn like fire to where I was actually yelling to get through the contractions and pushing. I put my hand beneath me because the nurses were setting up the warming bed and getting things together while Dr. W was a room over. I could feel a head, and made myself push with everything I had, including an unpredictable scream of pain, and Cole came slipping out in a warm gush of relief. I heard the nurses calling "Dr. W! Dr. W!" and scrambling around trying to get the baby wrapped up. He plopped out from me onto the mattress like a baby giraffe. Dr. W hurried in and helped me turn around so they could put Cole on my chest. He cried a little bit, but was quiet once he was warmed up. I passed the placenta, Zac cut the cord, and I didn't need any stitches. A thought crossed my mind that had I been able to get up sooner, I wouldn't have had to labor so long and maybe the birth wouldn't have been so painful. Fortunately for the nurse, I wasn't able to collect any of her hair, so no voodoo doll vengeance.

I was able to shower since I didn't have an epidural, Zac went and got me Wendy's and Popeye's since I was beyond starving, and then we were moved to a recovery room on the other end of the hospital floor. The bed was more comfortable, which was nice. However, my IV had to be left in, just in case, so it was hard trying to get comfortable without snagging it on my many hospital bands.

Last night, Mom brought my kiddos to see me and meet their baby brother. Elias had happy tears and was so excited to see Cole. He kept saying "Nikwiss is out of your tummy now!" Jac and Leah took turns holding him and my heart exploded. It's surreal to have one more little person in our family, but I'm just over the moon in love. I was enjoying the moment, but Elias slipped and hit his head on the floor and started crying, then Cole started crying because he was hungry, so Elias thought Cole was trying to scare him or yell at him, but once the chaos died down, everything was okay again. I reassured Elias that he helped Mama by getting Cole happy again. He said "I'm glad I helped you because I love you!" and then I melted into a puddle.

Zac and I spent this afternoon relaxing for a bit between visits from nurses and signing paperwork. I caught up on some sleep, watched Friends and snuggled my smallest before we were discharged to go home. I'm going to enjoy sleeping laying in my own bed tonight.

False alarm # 2

So yesterday, I was having some mild contractions that were coming every 7-10 minutes, relatively consistent. I got up and walked around and they would stop for a while. Mom invited us over to her house to hang out for a bit, so we drove over and were deciding what to do for dinner. The vote was unanimous for Popeyes, so Zac ordered it. Meanwhile, my contractions were coming back, but every 5-7 minutes with added pelvic pain and pressure. After about 15 consecutive contractions with some lower back pain, I decided to call my OB. Luckily, he was on-call for himself, so I told him what was going on and he told me to come get checked out. I left the kids with Mom, and Zac drove me to the hospital. I made a joke with Zac that it was a good thing I wore my lucky pants and how neat it would be if Bug came on Leah's half-birthday.

My pelvic floor has been bothering me for quite some time. I know I've complained about it a few times in here, but the burning sensation and heavy pressure was somewhat new. The good news is that I was dilated to 3cm after an incredibly painful pelvic exam, but the bad news is I had a severe UTI. When I asked on a scale of 1-10 how bad, the nurse told me probably 8-9. Yikes. So I was hooked up to an IV for an antibiotic and stayed overnight for observation. It explained my pelvic pain while trying to get up after sitting down, as well as being unable to walk upright without the burning sensation. As much as I've been drinking water, this baby's head was pressing down on my bladder to keep me from emptying completely, which caused a bacterial back-up. Yay. So I'm going to be on an antibiotic for the next nine days or so. I barely slept, thanks to loud overnight nurses and beeping monitors and hourly blood pressure checks, but my dear husband had no trouble dozing off... that jerk. Not gonna lie, I'm tired of making these trips and coming home empty handed, but I doubt that'll be the case next time. Dr. W checked my cervix before I was discharged and said I'm dilated 6cm on the outside, but 3cm on the inside, so there's still some waiting to do, though not much. Phew.

Visits

Jenny and Reid came to visit us! I haven't seen them in so long (eight years!!) and we just picked up where we left off. It was so nice to see them. Their girls have grown so much and all the kids played together and ate pizza. It was awesome. I've missed her like crazy. There's no way we're waiting another eight years to see each other. We talked about work and babies and homeschooling, while Zac and Reid chatted about food and jobs and such. It's crazy the time we've spent apart, but it felt like we had just seen each other yesterday. I love her to bits.

Baby stuff and Thanksgiving

I had my prenatal appointment yesterday and have dilated to two centimeters and Bug's head is fully engaged. Dr. W doesn't think I'll make it to next week, so that's good news. I'm having early labor contractions and they're more frequent, but still too weak to be considered real labor. Needless to say, I'm uncomfortable, but excited. The appointment took about three hours, so we picked up some food at Wendy's on the way home, mostly trying to linger near the hospital since (with our luck) I'd most likely go into labor right as we got home. But I didn't. Meanwhile, all the baby prep is basically finished, though I'd like to get a portable bassinet since all the Christmas gifts are in the crib along with the baby shower diapers and wipes I don't have a place for just yet.

Pregnancy highlights:

How far along: 38 weeks, 2 days

Size of baby: Watermelon!

Total weight gain/loss: Gained 40 pounds

Maternity clothes: Shirts.

Gender: Boy.

Movement: Lots of jabs.

Cravings: Ice. I actually chipped a tooth the other day from crunching ice cubes, so that's fun. Luckily, I have a dentist appointment December 11.

Symptoms: Pelvic floor is sensitive and feels like it's on fire.

Best moment this week: Making progress!

* * * * *

This year, we got a turkey and decided that since I can't travel far from home and our friends and family either live too far away or made plans, we'd just do something at home, just us. Zac watched a Gordon Ramsay tutorial on how to cook a turkey, so he followed it and spent all day in the kitchen by himself making a Thanksgiving dinner. He did such an awesome job, I was totally impressed. Everything was so good. It made me so glad that we decorated for Christmas last week because right now, I am out of spark. Oh, and Jenny and Reid are coming to see us tomorrow, pending labor happening or not! I haven't seen her in EIGHT years! Cannot wait.

Some things I'm thankful for this year:

• My super awesome husband. He does so much for us and never has a negative attitude.
• My kiddos. There are almost four of them and I couldn't have wished for better ones.
• My dogs. They're mellow and obedient, small and snuggly.
• My friends. The ones in my life have been my steady when everything was chaos. I couldn't ask for a better group of gals.
• My extended family, siblings and other relatives.
• And lastly, being able to go see my all-time favorite band Garbage in May with Zac, as well as go with Mom to see the Backstreet Boys in August. I'm so excited.

C Spire and Whining

We went to C Spire for this month's gaming tournament. Leah wasn't able to participate due to an overly exhausting bout of sass for the week, so we played a few rounds of Jenga with Zac. I didn't manage to get any pics of Jac. He died too quickly in his tournament, then lost himself in Smash Bros. for the rest of our visit.

Afterward, we went to the mall to make some Christmas exchanges and admire the remodeling. It was especially nice to see they removed the elevator, which made having the stroller and a tot who left one shoe at home so much more fun. I mainly wanted to walk around to get this baby to drop lower. He did manage to squish himself into my pelvis by the end of the night, so now my entire pelvic floor feels like it's on fire. Yay. I'm hoping to keep walking around and let gravity coax him on out. When I go back to the doctor on Wednesday, I'm hoping they see some progress. I'll already be next to the hospital, so it would be highly convenient.

False Alarm (some TMI)

Usually, I have OB appointments on Wednesday. This week, it was a Friday. Zac came home for lunch, as usual, and he helped me get the kids ready to go with me to the doctor. We left around the same time and I made it to my appointment. My blood pressure was normal, Bug had a great heartbeat and I'm measuring on target around 38 weeks. She asked how everything was going and my TMI was that my cervical goop has been much more watery than normal. She offered to check to see if I had a possible amniotic leak and pushed a very dry PH strip up to my cervix... twice, because the first one didn't read correctly and the second came back "abnormal". Then, she decided to check with her gloved finger without using a lubricant as to not alter the results, and I tried not to cry while she checked for a leak and dilation. I'm a fingertip dilated, which is just a centimeter, no biggie, but I was told to call Zac and head to the hospital for another check because if I was leaking, I'd most likely need my water broken and go ahead and have the baby. I was excited, nervous, and feeling a bit emotional as I gathered the big kids from the waiting room and we headed to the hospital. I called Zac and told him there was a chance we'd be having a baby today, to meet me at the hospital, so he left work and headed to the house to get my hospital bag. I called Mom with no answer (of course), so I had to call Rachel and tell her, then Mom called me back and would not hang up so I could get my GPS started. Meanwhile, Zac's car started smoking, so he had to wait nearly an hour for Mom to get to him and pick him up and come to the hospital. More on that in a sec.

I made it to the hospital and checked in, filled out some paperwork to get into the system, then had to lay there while I nurse pushed a long cotton swab up to my cervix and held it there for three minutes. #Awkward. The swab was sent to the lab and I got dressed and turned on the TV for the kiddos. About an hour later, I got my results back with a big fat Negative, as in it wasn't amniotic fluid, but they weren't sure what it could've been that caused the PH imbalance. Just as the nurse gave me the go-ahead to go home, Zac and Mom arrived. Apparently, she left 20 minutes after she said she did because she had already taken her sleep medication and needed to brew some coffee before heading out.

I left feeling super disappointed that I wouldn't be holding my littlest baby tonight, but him baking a bit longer is best for him, as much as I'm uncomfortable. BUT, at least I won't have to fill out paperwork when real labor kicks in and I've already got my bag ready, plus I'm starting to dilate. Progress is happening and it won't be much longer. We went to Ichiban for dinner because the kids and I hadn't eaten since 10am and it was past 4pm when I was discharged. Buffet felt right. I picked mainly spicy sushi in hopes of kickstarting labor.

One Year Later (mildly graphic)

Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

It's been a whole year since Emily died. I find it hard to believe. I had prepared myself as best I could but ended up taking it super hard because it felt almost like I could go back in time and call her. But the flashback of the phone call hit me like a train and I broke down in my bedroom. She shot herself. I wanted to go back and do things differently... I remember wanting to call her that day, but I was trying to get the big kids to focus on school work and Elias was being loud, so I told myself I'd just wait. It was nearly noon and I wasn't sure what I was cooking for dinner. I don't remember what I did for the next hour or so except I was texting Katie. Somehow I lost my phone in the big armchair when I went to lay Elias down for a nap or something, I don't remember. Zac had texted me and I heard the notification on either my laptop or iPad and it said to find my phone asap. So I had him call it and I found it in the chair. I already had two missed calls from Emily, a few from Mom, Zac, and even Carlton. Carlton never calls me. I answered Zac's call and he said I needed to call my mom because Emily was hurt and he was coming home. I decided to call Emily back first to see what was going on, but her roommate answered. I was confused, and trying to brush my teeth and get dressed because I was about to go pick her up if she needed me. But, he was so garbled with trying to get the words out between sobs, I wasn't sure I understood him. But, "She shot herself" was all I heard and I completely lost it. I didn't want to wait for Zac to get home. I wanted to leave ASAP, even if on foot, just to get to her apartment. I wasn't thinking clearly at all.

Zac got home and I sat in the car. I called Mom and asked if Emily was okay, just to hear, "She's gone". I went to the police station, which was next door to her apartment. I could see an ambulance, firetruck, police cars... Was she in there? Was she still bleeding?

The rest of the day was a blurry mess. I went to Mom's. Dad was confused and would ask if she was okay, then realize she was gone and break down crying. Kevin, our pastor at the time, came over and sat with us. Alex came over and we just hugged in silence on the driveway. It felt like a tangible nightmare.

Recently, I asked for her toxicology report and with everything she had in her system, part of me wants to think she knew what she was doing, but the other part wonders if she was so messed up she didn't realize what she did. For months I wondered if she felt angry or sad, was she planning this, was she aware of her choice, did she feel pain, regret? I decided I shouldn't think about those things because only she can answer those questions and she's not here to do so. I'll never know what made her feel like suicide was her only escape and asking why will only suffocate me. I've come to accept that she's gone, as much as I wish she wasn't. I miss her so much and it still upsets me that I'll never talk to her again, but I'm learning to live without her. 

Ultrasound and Ultra Annoying

I made the long drive with the kiddos to go to the doctor and get Bug's measurements and an ultrasound. When I went to the back room, I mentioned to the tech that the big kids wanted me to take a video to show them since they don't ever go back with me in the room. She invited them back and started scanning. He's measuring about 18 inches long and weighing around five pounds so far. She predicts he'll be about seven pounds by term. While she was scanning, the kiddos were asking her questions about the different parts on the monitor, so she decided to flip it to the 3D mode and printed out some oh-so-cute pictures of his face. He wouldn't hold still long, but this little one looks almost exactly like Elias.

Pregnancy Highlights:

How far along: 36 weeks, 1 day

Size of baby: Papaya!

Total weight gain/loss: Gained 39 pounds so far.

Maternity clothes: Just shirts with leggings.

Gender: Still a boy.

Movement: So much that I can't sleep at night.

Cravings: Ice, cold things.

Symptoms: Aches and pains, tired.

Best moment this week: Seeing his sweet little squishy face.

After the appointment, I headed to Pip to pick up Zac's last check in order to deposit it. Which reminds me, I forgot to mention my lovely man got himself a new job that's closer to home. He started Monday and so far, really enjoys it. He's been able to come home for lunch and hang out with us. We're most likely going to stay in Mississippi a little longer, though the company has a location in Tennessee and in Louisiana, so he could put in for a transfer eventually when we're ready to move.

Now, about the annoying part:

I picked up the check and decided to head to Target to see if any plush elves on the shelf were available yet because I wanted to get one for Bug, as well as look at gifts for Zac. No luck yet, but the Halloween candy was 90% off, so I bought some treats. It was when we reached the car that I remembered I attached my keys to the diaper bag and last minute decided to leave the diaper bag in the car and only carry in my clutch. Yaaaay. Zac still had another hour to work, so I walked the kids down to PetsMart to look at fish and price the dog collars and ended up buying some clearance dog treats. We headed back toward Target and the kids were complaining of being hungry, so we crossed the parking lot in the misty rain to get to McDonald's. I'm surprised my hips held up because after ordering some food and sitting down, I felt like my bones turned to slush. But, another adventure for the book. Zac made it in time to eat with us before bringing me back to my car. We even made it to church on time. I'm glad Elias' training pants managed to keep him dry as long as they did.

35

I haven't celebrated my birthday in a manner that warrants a lot of attention since I was a teenager, so my birthdays come and go without them being a big deal to me (though, the kiddos want it to be special). I'm sure there are others who have what look like First Birthday photo shoots, complete with their own smash cakes and tutus, but I don't see the point as an adult. However, this year marks the first birthday without my sister sending me a text or stopping by to visit for a little while, usually with a gifted snow globe and a hug. Hers is the only text I'm truly sad to not receive this year, though my few friends who knew of my birthday did send messages of well-wishes. This is also the last birthday as a mother of three kiddos before a fourth and final baby joins us. It's special in its own way. Also, 35...? When I was younger, that was old lady age, but now that I'm here, it really doesn't feel old at all.

Zac made breakfast foods and surprised me with a carrot cake and macarons, so I spent the evening snuggling my babes and feeling lucky and happy.