Rash and other things

About two weeks ago, Elias developed a rash. It was mostly concentrated to his elbows and cheeks and looked a lot like eczema, but also like a heat rash. I took him to the doctor and was told it was probably from using a different detergent (Tide) which caused a reaction, though why it was only in patches by his elbows and even on his cheeks, I have no idea. Dr. Y said it also looked like scabies, but if that were the case, all of us would have similar rashes. So he's been on an anti-itch medication as well as a topical and so far the rash is nearly gone. He's been such a cheery little fella, even while itching.

A cold front came through earlier this week, so we've been trying to go outside more. The mosquitoes are still quite active in spite of the repellent trucks that go by. My citronella candle is proving useless as I was bitten twice while said candle was lit beside me on the patio bench. I'm ready to move north and get colder weather sooner so mosquitoes disappear back into the depths of hell from whence they spawned.

30 weeks

I had a prenatal checkup last week, but didn't post about it because it just didn't seem important at the time. Everything looked good, though, aside from a mild UTI. Zac had taken the day off, so he sat in the waiting room with the kids while I listened to Bug's heartbeat. It's weird a week has gone by already.

Pregnancy highlights:

How far along: 30 weeks.

Size of baby: Zucchini!

Total weight gain/loss: Gained 29 pounds total.

Maternity clothes: Just the shirts with leggings.

Gender: Boy.

Cravings: Spicy.

Symptoms: Sciatic nerve and pelvic pain (still), restless legs and muscle cramps at night. Weird, vivid dreams. Congestion.

Best moment this week: He's an active little bug. I feel like I've swallowed live snakes and they're looking for a way out.

Dad's Memorial

I thought about taking pictures, but then I thought maybe not. I just wanted to sit and pick the polish from my nails and pretend this day wasn't here just yet and it was a typical Sunday in church. But the reality hit when "Taps" was played and the flag was folded. His veteran's hat sat by the flower donation and a slideshow of his life played on the screen. Carlton and Wes sang "Amazing Grace" and played their guitars and I caught my emotions in a handful of tissues. Matt and Denis talked about his life and his accomplishments and we ate junk food with family I haven't seen in a while. I spent all day yesterday at Mom's with Meredith and Carlton, eating junk food and pretending it was just a holiday and we were all together... except Emily wasn't there and Dad wasn't there. We're incomplete even more. Carlton read Dad's memoirs to us. He wrote down his whole life, up to about 2008 when he finished it. There were funny bits... I'll have to bring it home and jot down a few things in here.

It just feels surreal. I'm still in a limbo between feeling sad and feeling okay and I'm not sure if the grief part is going to surprise me out of nowhere in a few days/weeks/months. Maybe this is what normal grief is like, though? Maybe I'm just okay that he's not suffering with brain bleeds and skin cancer and hands that were wrecked with scleroderma, or blood clots in his legs, or memory loss and hallucinations from his medications. Now he can just be at peace in a body that isn't crumbling to bits. I'm still sad, but I'm not devastated. I miss him, though. I miss him calling Zac "Zacarino" and raving about how good the red beans and rice was. How he liked yellow cake with chocolate frosting and watched Gunsmoke and played his harmonica. It's going to be much to get used to, but I'm going to just learn to live life and keep going.

Dad

Dad died around 6:20 this morning, peacefully in his sleep.

Last Wednesday, we stopped over by my parents' house for Carlton's birthday. I helped Dad put his glasses on and gave him his cup. He was actually a little feisty, swatting at my hand for trying to take his cup away. It was amusing how much he behaved like Elias. He looked as though he'd make it another month or so. I found out he'd had another stroke while we were at the beach, which left him unable to speak.

Sunday, we stopped by after church. Dad was lying in his hospital bed asleep, so I sat in there and visited with Mom and Carlton. Every now and then Dad would wake up and stare at the ceiling. He did look for me when I was talking, but never spoke. Jac came into the room to say hello to Granddaddy and bent down to hug him and Dad actually reacted enough to kiss Jac on the cheek. It was a sweet moment of recognition. The next morning he had a seizure.

Last night, Mom texted me around 2am that Dad's vitals were extremely low. Around 4am, he was barely breathing, and by 6:20 he was gone. I feel sad, but it's an "okay" sad. It didn't come as a shock, and there were no unanswered questions. He lived a full life and passed away exactly like he wanted: asleep in his own bed, not hooked up to any machines, and not in any pain. I feel a sense of relief for him because he had been through so much in the past two years. I definitely miss him, but I wouldn't wish him back here, back in that poor host of a body. I've been preparing myself for this day for a few years now, but I don't think I was ever ready.

Beach Trip 2018

We made it to the beach on Friday! Carlton and Meredith's dad owns a condo in Alabama and he let us stay there. The view was nice, overlooking the ocean. We wasted no time slathering on sunblock and heading to the sand. The big kids were eager to jump into the waves. Last year, they were too timid. Elias has been irritatingly fearless, preferring to sit in the shallow water and let the waves crash into his face over and over again while refusing to stand up or jump over them. He's quite the beach baby. Leah spent her time looking for shells in the deeper water, while Jac dug up some small clams and Elias split his time between building a sand castle and splashing in the water. I was very drowsy from taking some Benadryl during our drive because my allergies decided to attack me all day, so I sat on a towel and watched the fam enjoy themselves.

For dinner, we tried out a restaurant called The Shrimp Basket and I ordered a virgin piña colada (and so did both big kids) to go with my catfish. I was only a little disappointed that my drink tasted more like a snoball than a beverage, but our waitress was super sweet and the food was great. It was after 10pm with three very wide-awake children, so we made a quick run for groceries and supplies before calling it a night.

* * * * *

Zac woke up early Saturday morning and spotted some dolphins within view, so I got up to see them, then decided to get the kids up, too. There were maybe five of them grouped up catching fish. Zac and I enjoyed our decaf coffee on the balcony before heading out to buy sandals for the kids, sunglasses and a beach chair for me to sit on, as well as some I-need-these goggles. I also found a shot glass for Emily's birthday, but didn't see a snow globe worth a purchase. Most of them were broken, loose, or had murky water. We also bought a kite, which turned out to be a good purchase. After lunch at Dairy Queen, we slathered on more sunblock (the spray this time, much easier and quicker to apply than lotion) and headed back down to the beach. I was very happy to have my chair and shady umbrella. I did get up and walk in the waves a bit, but mostly stayed under my umbrella until the sun moved behind the condo. Elias and Leah took turns flying the kite and Jac looked for more clams. He managed to find 40! Zac bought them a basket of beach toys, so collecting shells and clams was much easier.

After a few hours, we headed to the pool. Elias started shivering, so we switched to the indoor pool/hot tub. I've had bathwater hotter than the hot tub temperature, so I sunk right in. Even Elias warmed up and enjoyed the jets. We ate leftovers for dinner and I sent Zac on a quick run to Little New Orleans for soup and gumbo.

* * * * *

I woke up at 4:15 Sunday morning. Not sure what triggered it, but I couldn't fall back asleep. Zac woke up around 5:15 and checked the time, so we ended up talking about our trip. He had even set an alarm so we could wake up early to watch the sun rise. Lucky for us, we had been awake long enough that getting out of bed was easy. Zac made coffee and we sat outside on the balcony watching a group of pelicans catch fish. It was a pretty lazy morning. I think it was a vacation crash or something. We ate cinnamon rolls and the kids relaxed on the furniture and none of us really felt like doing much for a few hours. We eventually headed out to the beach and, in spite of coating us in sunblock, all of us managed to get sunburned. Luckily, the burns aren't horrible, but mildly irritating. The kids enjoyed building sand castles and a kind stranger gave them a live hermit crab with a teeny red crab hitching a ride. They were reluctant to set it free, but said their goodbyes as it scuttled away so we could head to the pool for a little while. Elias only had one meltdown (literally melting and laying down on the sand) because he had to wait before knocking over a sand castle.

A few years back, Mom came with us to the beach and brought us to a hibachi restaurant called Mikato. We went again this time and the shrimp was probably the best I've ever eaten. Our chef was super nice, too. He even had a scorpion tattoo like ours. I'm at that stage of pregnancy where I have to take a walk after I eat or my food just sits there and makes me feel sick, so after dinner, we walked to Target to look at some Halloween decorations and buy some candy for the ride home (or back to the condo, either way). The kids went to bed a little early, so Zac and I watched Friends and tried to finish the jigsaw puzzle we found in a cabinet, but many of the pieces were missing. Oh well.

* * * * *

The dryer wasn't drying so well, so packing to head home on Monday took longer than I wanted. Most of our clothes had to lay out on the patio table to dry in the sun. Zac and I enjoyed our last morning sipping coffee and watching the waves while the kiddos slept in before we loaded up our rental and made the trip home. We stopped at a souvenir shop on our way out and I actually found Elias' and Cole's names on little wooden surf boards (Elias and Nicolas). They also had Leah's, but not Jac's. I asked an employee if they had any in storage, but nope. So Jac and Leah got some stickers of their names instead. Basically all of the Jac's were sold out. We bought some fudge for Mom and some saltwater taffy for Alex (a reference to a Friends episode "The One with the Birthing Video"). I'm glad we made it home, but I'll definitely miss having Zac around so much when he goes off to work this week, as well as feeling lazy about getting back to our school routine.

Emily

It's Emily's 33rd should-be birthday today, so I'm definitely feeling that knot in my throat and the heartache in my chest. I know I want to accept whatever emotions come, but they're wanting me to burst into tears randomly and I just don't want to, at least not freely. I still hate that she's not here and I hate I can't tell her happy birthday or see her anymore or even hug her. I know she'd like the shot glass we bought her from Orange Beach, but I hate she can't touch it. It'll just sit by her picture with her little urn and her few Harley Quinn things we bought her for her last Christmas with us.

I came across a quote:

"The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not 'get over' the loss of a loved one: you will learn to live with it. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to." - Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.

I am trying to live with my grief... I just don't like it. It feels like a stray cat that meows at my window to be fed, but it isn't a cat I want the responsibility of, yet I feed it anyway so it stays and I feel guilty when it's outside in the rain.

Just recently I learned that September 10th is World Suicide Prevention Day. I don't know what word to use, but I think coincidence best describes the day. I wonder if I ever prevented her suicide with a random phone call here and there, or a text message, or anything that may have kept her here a little longer. I tried to call her often and invite her over to do things, and then one day I wanted to call and didn't and then I got that call that I can still hear so vividly in my head, and oh my god, I just wish I had called her. But I tell myself, if I did, maybe she would've been here a little longer, but that doesn't mean she would've stayed. I just miss her so painfully so and still can't believe my baby sister is gone from here. I'm surprised it's been nearly a year, and only slightly surprised that I get choked up so easily when I talk about her or even come across a memory of her. I miss her laugh and how easy it was to make her laugh and I miss hugging her. I hope she knew just how much I loved her.

Doctors

Yesterday, the three kiddos had their wellness checkups. All three were poked on the finger to check their iron levels and all three came back normal, even Elias, who was nearly anemic just a month ago. All weight and height was average for their ages, no vaccinations until Elias is four, Leah is twelve, and Jac is sixteen. We go back next year. Hopefully by then, Elias won't yell at Dr. Y, "I don't like you, Doctor!" or freak out when I set him on the exam table. I know he's got anxiety, but jeez. When Dr. Y asked the kids what they want to be when they grow up, Jac answered, "A video game designer." Leah answered, "A marine biologist or a vet." And my special smallest answered, "A goat."

Meanwhile, I went to my appointment this morning and my uncooperative youngest would not budge from his comfy place, sitting upright on my bladder, for a good profile picture. So, the tech did the best she could and I was able to see his little chubby cheeks, nose, and very open eyes. His heart was strong, measurements are 27 weeks, 1 day (right on schedule), and everything with me is okie dokie. I was surprised by the glucose test and felt like maybe they could've told me it was coming as I ate a toaster pastry this morning, but luckily I passed and won't need to take it again. Phew! Also, I didn't puke, thankfully. Unless that's just with the orange one? Gross either way.

Pregnancy Highlights:

How far along: 27 weeks, 1 day

Size of baby: Eggplant!

Total weight gain/loss: Gained 26 pounds.

Maternity clothes: Yep.

Gender: A boy.

Cravings: None.

Symptoms: Sciatic nerve and pelvic pain. Mild vertigo once in a while. Allergies.

Best moment this week: Hearing his heart beating, seeing his little face.

A post about Dad

Dad had another stroke yesterday. It's left him unable to communicate or walk. He had to have oxygen for a little while and was having difficulty swallowing. Basically, this is the end happening and I'm not sure when it's going to be the end. But it's soon now. It's weird and sad. I always thought I'd be ready because I knew he was much older when I was born, but I don't feel ready. I don't feel like I'm old enough to lose a parent. There was supposed to be more time. I've always been a Daddy's Girl and this is hard. I don't like the anticipation and the not-knowing, wondering what happens after, if he's scared, if he's ready, if he knows what's going on, if he's in pain or confused or at peace... I had those same wonders about Emily as her heart continued to beat. If she was there or not... It's heartbreaking. I'm trying to keep it together, but this current grief chapter I'm living is really taking a toll. It doesn't help that my mother thinks I need to ask my doctor for antidepressants to get through Emily's birthday. I'm not depressed. I'm sad. I feel alone in spite of having supportive friends. I can't talk about how I feel with my mother because her narcissism will minimize my grief and I don't want to put myself through that. So, I'm going to take it one day at a time. If Dad dies tomorrow, I'm going to accept my new grief tomorrow. When Emily's birthday arrives, I'm going to accept that grief on her birthday. I'm going to get through it like I got through (and get through) my miscarriage anniversaries. It'll just be another Sad Day I mark on the calendar. But for now, Dad's here and he told me he loves me and I'm going to keep that with me.

I was looking through my Box of Things on Sunday and found the letters he wrote me while I was living in a college dorm. I always got letters from him, some handwritten, some typed. Always signed by hand, though, Love Dad. He sent me silly jokes, weird facts, or comics from the newspaper. I never got letters from Mom, just him. I'm glad I saved them.

September Books

Zac went with Elias to pick up our groceries this morning while the big kids slept in and I slowly waddled my way from the bed to brushing my teeth to sitting at my computer browsing pictures of autumn leaves and crochet ideas. All the brood is feeling better aside from coughing.

We went to the library to pick out books for the week or so. I meant to list books last month, but I'm a slacker, so I'm going to list them now.

Jac has been reading a series called Warriors by Erin Hunter. The books are about four clans of wild cats who live in a shared forest and try to maintain the code of warriors set by their ancestors. He's been so enthusiastic about the series. I believe there are six different sets of series about each generation of warriors. The next series he wants to read is Dawn of the Clans. So far, the books he's read are:

• Into the Wild
• Fire and Ice
• Forest of Secrets
• Rising Storm
• A Dangerous Path
• The Darkest Hour (currently reading)

Leah started on the Judy Moody series, but she lost interest. I tried to get her into the Wildwood Chronicles by Colin Meloy and Carson Ellis, but the books are too big, so she's had a hard time finishing the first one. We checked it out three times, but she just never could stay focused on it. Zac started her on The Haunted Library series by Dori Hillestad Butler. So far, she's enjoying it.

• The Haunted Library: Dori Hillestad Butler
• Moon Pie: Simon Mason
• The Sister's Club, Rule of Three: Megan McDonald (this is actually the second in a three-book series)

Elias was stuck on The Gruffalo and Room on the Broom for the longest time, so we've ventured out for a variety. He usually gets the most books with each visit.

• Hello, Fall!: Deborah Diesen
• 26 Letters and 99 Cents: Tana Hoban
• Authur's Halloween Costume: Lillian Hoban
• How to be a Cat: Nikki McClure
• If Rocks Could Sing: Leslie McGuirk
• It's Halloween, Dear Dragon: Margaret Hillert
• Memoires of a Parrot: Devin Scillian
• My Stinky Dog: Christine Roussey
• Spoon: Amy Krouse Rosenthal
• The Best Cat in the World: Lesléa Newman

I'm very much loving all the reading going on right now. It was so hard getting the kids into reading, but they've come to embrace it. It's also helped get them away from the video game obsession (a struggle I know is all too real).

After the library, we stopped for doughnuts at Shipley's and then I picked up a decaf Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbuck's... something I've been looking forward to since November. I find it amusing that my belly encourages baristas to insist on no-caffeine, even though one cup a day isn't going to do any harm, but oh well. I'll just keep calling it a "small" instead of a "tall" because, let's face it, Starbucks is pretentious, but is the only coffee shop that makes a PSL worth spending $5 on.