I thought about taking pictures, but then I thought maybe not. I just wanted to sit and pick the polish from my nails and pretend this day wasn't here just yet and it was a typical Sunday in church. But the reality hit when "Taps" was played and the flag was folded. His veteran's hat sat by the flower donation and a slideshow of his life played on the screen. Carlton and Wes sang "Amazing Grace" and played their guitars and I caught my emotions in a handful of tissues. Matt and Denis talked about his life and his accomplishments and we ate junk food with family I haven't seen in a while. I spent all day yesterday at Mom's with Meredith and Carlton, eating junk food and pretending it was just a holiday and we were all together... except Emily wasn't there and Dad wasn't there. We're incomplete even more. Carlton read Dad's memoirs to us. He wrote down his whole life, up to about 2008 when he finished it. There were funny bits... I'll have to bring it home and jot down a few things in here.
It just feels surreal. I'm still in a limbo between feeling sad and feeling okay and I'm not sure if the grief part is going to surprise me out of nowhere in a few days/weeks/months. Maybe this is what normal grief is like, though? Maybe I'm just okay that he's not suffering with brain bleeds and skin cancer and hands that were wrecked with scleroderma, or blood clots in his legs, or memory loss and hallucinations from his medications. Now he can just be at peace in a body that isn't crumbling to bits. I'm still sad, but I'm not devastated. I miss him, though. I miss him calling Zac "Zacarino" and raving about how good the red beans and rice was. How he liked yellow cake with chocolate frosting and watched Gunsmoke and played his harmonica. It's going to be much to get used to, but I'm going to just learn to live life and keep going.
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