Emily

It's Emily's 33rd should-be birthday today, so I'm definitely feeling that knot in my throat and the heartache in my chest. I know I want to accept whatever emotions come, but they're wanting me to burst into tears randomly and I just don't want to, at least not freely. I still hate that she's not here and I hate I can't tell her happy birthday or see her anymore or even hug her. I know she'd like the shot glass we bought her from Orange Beach, but I hate she can't touch it. It'll just sit by her picture with her little urn and her few Harley Quinn things we bought her for her last Christmas with us.

I came across a quote:

"The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not 'get over' the loss of a loved one: you will learn to live with it. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to." - Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.

I am trying to live with my grief... I just don't like it. It feels like a stray cat that meows at my window to be fed, but it isn't a cat I want the responsibility of, yet I feed it anyway so it stays and I feel guilty when it's outside in the rain.

Just recently I learned that September 10th is World Suicide Prevention Day. I don't know what word to use, but I think coincidence best describes the day. I wonder if I ever prevented her suicide with a random phone call here and there, or a text message, or anything that may have kept her here a little longer. I tried to call her often and invite her over to do things, and then one day I wanted to call and didn't and then I got that call that I can still hear so vividly in my head, and oh my god, I just wish I had called her. But I tell myself, if I did, maybe she would've been here a little longer, but that doesn't mean she would've stayed. I just miss her so painfully so and still can't believe my baby sister is gone from here. I'm surprised it's been nearly a year, and only slightly surprised that I get choked up so easily when I talk about her or even come across a memory of her. I miss her laugh and how easy it was to make her laugh and I miss hugging her. I hope she knew just how much I loved her.