It's been a rough few weeks, at least from my perspective and I'm sure Jac and Leah's. I haven't been the best mom, which is somewhat my fault, because I've spent the past two weeks in a hazy rage and taking it out on the two who are biggest in the house when Zac's gone. I realized I yelled at them a lot last week and again this week, and it's only Wednesday. I've been mostly yelling at them because they haven't been picking up after themselves and if one room is clean another isn't. Last night, I was in the shower and just started sobbing. The thing that helps with shower-crying is the water will rinse off tears. The hotter the water, the better for covering up the reddened cheeks and puffy eyes. Also, adjustable shower heads to change the water pressure in case a sob escapes my throat. As I stood there in my lava-hot waterfall, I thought to myself am I putting too many responsibilities on them? They do a lot around here when I hold the baby. Am I not doing enough? What's overwhelming me? Am I depressed? And then it hit me. I'm holding my grief in and not letting it out when I feel it. I cried a lot last week, just the watery eyes type of crying. Nothing worth winning an award over. I haven't talked about Dad or Emily out loud because even though I want to, I can't without getting emotional. I start getting weepy and then my voice shakes and it goes downhill from there. I don't like crying and I don't like grieving, but since I haven't been able to do either, it spills out and turns into anger and agitation and I end up taking it out on my kids. I lose my patience, which is something I need to have while taking care of Elias and Cole. I don't want them to see this side of me and grow up thinking I'm just this mean dragon mom, breathing fire all the time. I want them to see Happy Mom who twirls with them in the kitchen and dances around to loud music while they help me cook, a mom who snuggles them while watching movies and snacking on popcorn. Jac and Leah do help so much when it comes to doing things around the house. They can wash laundry and load the dishwasher, they take out the garbage and such. Jac offers to hold the baby for me when I'm feeling overwhelmed, but instead of appreciating him, I end up pointing out the things he didn't do. I do the same to Leah. I tell myself to put on a happy face and take deep breaths, bark orders and expect them to do a chore list when all they want to do is enjoy being kids and playing outside. I hear myself say, "Not until you do this" or "After you finish that" and the day slips by and they didn't get to do what they wanted to do, like jump on the trampoline or ride the scooter or swing or read, etc. Yet, I have told them not to stay on video games all week because they need to enjoy their childhood before it slips by. The thing is, Cole only cries for me when he can see me or when he's hungry. If Jac takes him to another room, he's quiet and will usually fall asleep. I end up having the time to put on a TV show that I want to see, that doesn't have ABCs or counting over and over again, and can fold laundry in a quiet space or clean the kitchen the way I like without getting overwhelmed or stressed because it wasn't done "right".
My point: I need to talk about my grief. I've been posting more light things, like fun stuff or milestones, but my grief is important, too. But not tonight because we're getting ready for church. It'll be later this week, though.
