Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
It's been a whole year since Emily died. I find it hard to believe. I had prepared myself as best I could but ended up taking it super hard because it felt almost like I could go back in time and call her. But the flashback of the phone call hit me like a train and I broke down in my bedroom. She shot herself. I wanted to go back and do things differently... I remember wanting to call her that day, but I was trying to get the big kids to focus on school work and Elias was being loud, so I told myself I'd just wait. It was nearly noon and I wasn't sure what I was cooking for dinner. I don't remember what I did for the next hour or so except I was texting Katie. Somehow I lost my phone in the big armchair when I went to lay Elias down for a nap or something, I don't remember. Zac had texted me and I heard the notification on either my laptop or iPad and it said to find my phone asap. So I had him call it and I found it in the chair. I already had two missed calls from Emily, a few from Mom, Zac, and even Carlton. Carlton never calls me. I answered Zac's call and he said I needed to call my mom because Emily was hurt and he was coming home. I decided to call Emily back first to see what was going on, but her roommate answered. I was confused, and trying to brush my teeth and get dressed because I was about to go pick her up if she needed me. But, he was so garbled with trying to get the words out between sobs, I wasn't sure I understood him. But, "She shot herself" was all I heard and I completely lost it. I didn't want to wait for Zac to get home. I wanted to leave ASAP, even if on foot, just to get to her apartment. I wasn't thinking clearly at all.
Zac got home and I sat in the car. I called Mom and asked if Emily was okay, just to hear, "She's gone". I went to the police station, which was next door to her apartment. I could see an ambulance, firetruck, police cars... Was she in there? Was she still bleeding?
The rest of the day was a blurry mess. I went to Mom's. Dad was confused and would ask if she was okay, then realize she was gone and break down crying. Kevin, our pastor at the time, came over and sat with us. Alex came over and we just hugged in silence on the driveway. It felt like a tangible nightmare.
Recently, I asked for her toxicology report and with everything she had in her system, part of me wants to think she knew what she was doing, but the other part wonders if she was so messed up she didn't realize what she did. For months I wondered if she felt angry or sad, was she planning this, was she aware of her choice, did she feel pain, regret? I decided I shouldn't think about those things because only she can answer those questions and she's not here to do so. I'll never know what made her feel like suicide was her only escape and asking why will only suffocate me. I've come to accept that she's gone, as much as I wish she wasn't. I miss her so much and it still upsets me that I'll never talk to her again, but I'm learning to live without her.
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