Hm.

I contacted the funeral home that dealt with Emily's ashes and wanted to see when I could bring Dad's and get my urn finished. Unfortunately, they changed their policy because they accidentally broke someone's urn and had to pay to replace it, so they no longer accept outside containers. Lovely. I did some mental debating with myself and decided I would fill it myself. I picked it because it looks like something he'd like and it was less than $20, and I wasn't about to spend $100 on an urn the funeral home provided. So, I did it. And it sucked so much. I had to keep telling myself it was just dust, not Dad, but it was definitely something I don't think I want to do again. When I got home, I settled him on his shelf with his things. I did notice, however, that Emily's is much lighter, so I wonder if I over-filled or if they didn't put enough in hers... I dunno. It doesn't really matter, does it? I told Zac I probably just have Emily's middle finger. But that's all done. I even put some of Dad's ashes in Karen's necklace she picked out, even though I was reluctant for two reasons: 1. it's a very small opening and maybe holds a pinch. 2. She hasn't spoken to me since January and has basically "disowned" me because I'm friends with Krystal... go figure. Anyhoo, that's that. I'm sad and just want to sleep.

Sunday

Zac picked up Dunkin' Donuts this morning and one of their not-too-bad pumpkin spice coffees. We spent most of the day somewhat restless, but ended up taking the kids and dogs on a walk. Cole got excited to run along the path and scraped his little knees up, but he's a trooper. Both little boys were exhausted. Elias peddled his tricycle while Leah rode her scooter. Jac walked the stroller for us. It was a nice day. I can feel autumn coming, though it may be side effects from the two hurricanes approaching the southern coast. My Louisiana gals are doing alright so far, though. This evening we went on a bike ride and I didn't get a single bug in my eye... that's been something of a common occurrence lately if we head out after 7pm. I've had two separate bugs get into my eye and had to dig them out while leaving a leg piece behind. Disgusting. Anyway, Zac and I spent some time doing artsy things this evening. I started working on the church's nursery paintings, but need to buy more white. Zac drew Charlie Jones from Coraline and cooked dinner. It's felt like a long Sunday, but I'm glad. I like having him home.

Ashes to ashes...

Back in July, I tried to get in touch with the hospital to see when I'd be getting Dad back. I never heard anything from them aside from a "we'll call you next week" and a month goes by. Today, I sent Jac out to get the mail and he asked, "What did you order that weighs so much??" I noticed a much smaller package from Stardust Memorials (the urn) on top and then it clicked what was so heavy. Dad's ashes.

It is odd to think that he fits in a small box. I opened it to see what sort of container he was put in and it was just a little plastic box with a bag of ashes. Cue emotional overload. Things felt heavy. A few weeks ago I was sorting through my Box of Things and came across some letters Dad had written me while I was in college. He put in little comic strips from newspapers, or he'd type something silly or something meaningful. He always signed his name in ink, though. I had a good cry in my closet while Zac had all the kids on a Door Dash delivery. It was refreshing and sad and something I think I needed. I haven't really let myself grieve my dad like I did for Emily.

This evening, I brought the ashes to Mom's. It was weird. I put my purse on the box, which triggered some emotion because Dad used to hold my purse for me if I needed to use a public bathroom or carry a baby, or something else. He never minded that, but it was like pulling teeth for him to purchase feminine products. Anyway, I got to Mom's and she put him on a shelf in her closet until she can go get the ashes divided into various containers for people.

Bored & Stuff.

Things have been pretty uneventful. I rearranged my bedroom and brought things from Mom's back home, plus my old chest of drawers for Cole to use. In case I haven't mentioned it, we changed our minds about selling our house for now. The idea of moving back in with Mom was setting off my anxiety. I've been helping her clean her house a bit, and while I'm there, I'm reminded of why we moved out. I like coming back to my own house. I also quit coffee again... or at least most of the time. I'm still drinking tea, though. However, I'm looking forward to the pumpkin spice latte. It's almost autumn, which is my favorite, but this year just feels off and weird.

Yesterday, Zac and I were getting ready to take the kids on our daily bike ride, but the weather shifted and it was about to storm. We, except Jac who had fallen on his bike a few days before, decided to go a short route through the park. It had started raining before we left the driveway, but we went ahead. Zac and Leah were ahead of me and I spotted something on the trail. I got closer and it looked like a mouse, so I turned around. It was a baby squirrel, then I spotted two more. They were so tiny. I had the baby on my bike so it was awkward trying to stoop down to check if they were still alive. Two were still, but one was still breathing. I picked it up and tucked it in my sleeve, then accidentally let the bike (gently) tip over, which upset Cole for a brief moment. I got us up and going, caught up with Zac and we hurried back to the house as the rain came down more. Zac called an emergency vet, but they don't take wildlife, so they referred him to a rehabilitation center 20 minutes away. I hopped in the van with Leah, baby squirrel in tow, and headed to the lady's house. As much as I wish this story had a happy ending, little girl squirrel passed shortly after I dropped her off. I'm glad she wasn't alone in the rain on a bike trail, but was able to die in a pair of warm hands. It's sad, but I think Leah is considering the option of wildlife rehabilitation when she's older.

Elias is FIVE!

Happy 5th birthday to my sweetie pie rainbow baby bun! He's the most polite and kind-hearted soul. He still loves all things Hot Wheels and rainbows and animals, Sonic the Hedgehog and so many books. Right now, the favorite is Goodnight, Moon. I'm so so lucky to be his mama. 

Beach 2020

Zac and I planned a beach trip a few weeks ago. We were going to drive down early on a Saturday, spend all day at the ocean, then come home. The pandemic got worse, so we started to rethink Elias' birthday wish. Mom offered to book an AirBNB for us, so we could stay a few extra days and relax. I don't love the beach, but the fam does. We drove to Gulf Shores on Thursday and enjoyed the condo until Sunday. I hate the sand, but love the ocean. Zac and I left our balcony door open over night to just listen to the waves. Even Cole slept SO good. It's weird, being out and and about. Everything feels strange and my anxiety has been high since we've been home. I've been sleeping good, which is nice, but I wake up feeling anxious all over again. My heart races and I've been slacking on my routine of biking and cleaning. I feel like we shouldn't have gone anywhere, but also that we NEEDED to go somewhere. I bought masks for the kids and as cute as they are, it's still stupid that our country is number one and masks are mandatory because nobody wants to adhere to common sense. I'm frustrated and as you can read, it takes away the whole point of this post: the beach.

Anyway, we had a nice time. The kids played in the ocean and built castles and dug for clams and seashells. We watched movies and slept on a bed so big I had to make an effort to find Zac's foot with my own. There was a full moon on our last night and it was just beautiful. Even the weather was perfect (mostly around 6pm). The ocean temperature was comfortably cool and the sunsets turned everything orange.

A few things.

Masks are now mandatory in my county. I'm astonished at how many people think this is a bad idea.  I actually feel more comfortable going into a store to buy what isn't available for pickups because I know there's a low chance of viral exposure. The cases are fluctuating between 800 or so to over a thousand a day. It's mind boggling. Because of this, I did some thinking and went back and forth a bit, but decided to postpone my school til next year. Who knows where we'll be then? Maybe there'll be a vaccine, maybe not. I don't want to risk sitting in a classroom with the possible exposure to covid, only to bring it home to my family. Online classes are an option, but I'll benefit more in a classroom, where I can ask a question or have some extra help, especially with algebra. I'd love to be in a lab for geology, but the best thing I can do now is wait. So, we're thinking of other things we can do for now. The big kids are finally finished with their school last week (yay!) and I don't plan on starting the new homeschool year until January... I dunno if I mentioned that already or not.

We're tossing around the idea of selling our house and moving everything to Mom's so we can buy an RV and travel for a while. There are pros and cons with that. It's a small space with four kids, but we usually all hang around together as it is, so I'm not worried about being smothered. It's mainly leaving my first house we bought together. Like, this is where I brought home our last baby. It's where Emily came for coffees and where I last saw her, face to face. I still have the voicemail Dad left, saying how proud he was that we bought our first house. It's a grieving process. I'm trying to cope with it and stay positive about the idea of change and letting it go for something better, but ehhh. Our positive plan is to see all the states, spend time in them and see what we like and don't like, and then decide where we want to buy land and end up in our forever home. I don't like the idea of moving back to Mom's. That never turned out well the last few times we've had to do that and this time would be us choosing to do so. But we've wanted to get an RV ever since Jac was a baby. This would be our only way to achieve the dream. And we won't be "living" with Mom. We'll be "staying" with mom during our down time. The best part, which I'm mainly focusing on, is getting rid of a lot of things we don't need. I'm letting go of knick knacks that I only bought because they were cute, and I've even thrifted some water globes. I'm hoping that while we're staying with Mom and have more space to put things, we'll take less with us when we move into our own place again. We're hoping to be settled before Halloween and hope to put the house on the market shortly thereafter. We have some painting to do on the walls and have a few repairs, but it isn't a lot.

Other things... I called the place where Dad was donated and am still waiting to hear back from the woman I spoke to last week to find out when they'll release his remains. I'd like to go ahead and buy an urn and have some closure. His birthday passed on the 17th. I bought his favorite cake mix and have been a little on the emotional side this week. I miss him so much sometimes. He'd be 84 and I miss little things like small talk about work or going to visit and the TV would be super loud. He loved John Wayne westerns, which I always thought were cheesy.

Anyway, that's what's going on so far. I'm trying to figure out what to do with these kids now that they aren't doing lessons and it's sweltering outside.

4th of July

We drove to Summit to visit Rachel's sister and have a July 4th get-together. I was assured there was no covid, as Regina works from home and her husband as been remote. The big kids played with their cousins on an inflatable waterslide in the rain, so that was fun. Elias tried it once with Abbi, but was done. It was "too scary". Instead he just walked around in the rain on the patio. We ate some food, Mom gave me grief about my vegetarianism (again) and we headed home. Elias was reluctant to leave because he made friends with Regina's little boy, Noah. They bonded over Hot Wheels. We're going to try to see them again eventually. The day was fun, though. We didn't get to see any fireworks aside from neighbors we passed on our bike ride later this evening.

College stuff and Toby

I was approved for a grant that will pay for the majority of my classes, so that's cool. I will owe just a bit out of pocket, but no biggie. I'm trying not to stress over finding time to study while homeschooling, but also maybe looking for work in January. It's a lot of knives to juggle, but I'm just thinking.

As for Toby, he had six teeth pulled so he's on an antibiotic. He just finished his pain meds, and pup-tip: put a pill between two pieces of cheese, using peanut butter to hold them in place. He won't take pills ever, but this worked. His antibiotic, however, is a bit of a struggle since it's a dropper of nasty liquid. I didn't know dogs could make disgusted faces til now.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to figure out if we should make a trip to the beach before classes start and for Elias' 5th birthday coming up.

Father's Day 2020

My lovely husband celebrated his 14th year of fatherhood. Hard to believe we brought four humans into this world together, but he rocks out the Dad badge better than anyone I know. So proud of this nerd of mine.

College stuff

I received my welcome letter and applied for financial assistance. I spoke with an advisor this afternoon and have a class schedule. They're all evening classes, and all in-person, except one, which will be online. I'm excited and also disappointed in my past self because I could've had all this done by now. But, I was dumb and made dumb choices, so I've got motivation now. 

Roller Coaster

This morning, I was lying in bed and just waking up, when Zac texted me this photo:

Me: Is that our car??

Zac: Yeah, Lawn mower hit it with a rock. Made a small hole and shattered the glass. On the drive to work the hole turned into... this.

Luckily, the city is going to pay for it so we won't have to. Safelite Glass charged $200 to repair the back window when it was Emily's car and some asshole smashed the window. Apparently, three years is enough time to up the price to nearly $400. Anyway, I'm just glad it's not coming out of our already linty pockets.

I packed the kids in the van, along with their swimsuits, to get Mom and head over to Summit to visit Carlton and Rachel in their new house. They've got a pool and some chickens so the kiddos had a blast. It was nice hanging out with Abbi and Payton, also. Abbi is officially graduated from high school, so she'll be starting college in the fall.

On our way back home, we stopped at Burger King and ordered some lunch/dinner for the kids since they were starving. As I was pulling out the drive-thru, I spotted a tiny turtle crossing the lane and managed to scoop it up and put it in a nearby ditch. Mom thinks I've got mental issues, but if that makes me a better person, I'll take it.

Oh, Zac brought Toby to the vet this afternoon because his breath smells like roadkill. They didn't charge us today since they didn't do anything, but he's got a cleaning appointment for his teeth on Monday. I'm going to see if I can add Ruby and possibly May to that appointment.