Emptiness

I miscarried my baby last night.

I had just posted that last entry, sat back in the green chair and felt a sudden gush of fluid. I wasn't cramping, but I went to the bathroom and there was bright red blood. So much blood. I freaked out, Zac came in to hold me and I called the clinic. I tried to not imagine the worst, but that's impossible when I'm laying in bed, knowing there's nothing I can do about it. I cried a lot. I gave myself a headache. Around 7, I went to the bathroom. I put a cup under me, just in case. I'm glad I did because the sac came out. A small sac, as small as a dime, and then my body felt "better". I was empty and my body was relieved. How inconsiderate of me to feel a sense of relief during a tsunami of overwhelming grief I've only heard of.

The few people who knew about my pregnancy were the only ones I told I miscarried. I reached out for support, not sure what to expect and I received so much support. I'm grateful to my few friends for being there while being so far away. 

I'm sad. Devastated. Heartbroken. Empty.