October 15th is Remembrance Day for pregnancy loss, be it miscarriage, SIDS, or stillbirth. I lit a candle last year for the friends who lost babies, but this year, it's for me, too. Not that a stupid candle can give my baby back to me... I feel like I'm drowning.
Every day is an awareness day to me. I'm fully aware that I'm no longer pregnant and it feels terrible to be reminded of such when I find New Baby coupons and information in the mailbox. Blood is another reminder of how my body is trying to remove any evidence that a baby ever existed. I'm sick of seeing it. I've started using the bathroom in the dark so I don't have to.
I'm up and down, emotionally. I'll be fine, then suddenly be in tears. I'll be playing with my kids and then I remember, "Oh yeah, I'll never get to do these things with that baby." It's a roller coaster with no end in sight.