New Orleans trip 2018

We finally made a trip to Louisiana. Mom booked us a hotel in Kenner since we'd be staying on that side of the bridge for the majority of our visit. On Friday night, we checked in and got the kids to bed. Elias slept between Zac and me, quite restlessly as he filled up on a LOT of junk food during the drive. So much fun, so little sleep.

Saturday morning, we headed to the Audubon Zoo to meet up with Karen and her brood. At one point, we got separated, so we went one way while Karen and my parents went the other and we had a hard time catching back up. Karen and her family left, so we enjoyed the day, just us and our kids. There was an Asian Heritage festival going on, so the entire zoo was incredibly crowded. The food smelled great, though. We stopped in the Cypress Knee cafe for catfish, chicken, and gator bites. Elias' neglected diaper soaked through his shorts, so we went back towards the entrance to meet back with my parents. We dropped them off at the hotel, then headed to the mall to walk around a bit. I had a craving for a real New Orleans poboy, so Zac spent about 40 minutes making calls to various seafood locations to find me a shrimp poboy where the shrimp was deveined. I learned I'm high maintenance when it comes to poboys, but I'm fairly certain I am 100% reasonable in requesting shit-free shrimp.

Sunday morning, we decided to go to Cafe Du Monde for beignets. My dad was still asleep, so we went and ate, then brought some back to my parents. They weren't in the mood to go anywhere, so we took the van and headed to Slidell to visit with Mawmaw and Zac's cousin, Christina. Mawmaw had some tamales for lunch and Zac told her we have another baby coming in December. Jac and Leah spent most of the visit in the front yard digging up crawfish holes in search of crawfish. Jac managed to find a baby one, but released it after we took a picture. We left for Marie's and hung out with her for a little while, but missed seeing Francesca since she was out with some friends. It's hard trying to squeeze in so many visits in such a small amount of time, especially when driving consumes most of the time. After Marie's, we met up with Jena at Italian Pie for dinner. The lasagna is the best. So good, I didn't even think to get a picture before I ate half of it.

Monday, we woke up relatively early while my parents slept, so we went to Target and walked around the eerie Esplanade mall until lunch time. Zac wanted Reginelli's, so we headed there for lunch and Jessie came to meet up with us. I went with her to her place while Zac brought my parents back to their room for a nap, then came back to get me. It was a brief visit, but as previously mentioned, it's hard planning to see so many people in such a short time frame. She had to go pick up Orrin, so we headed to the Lafreniere Park to see Katie and meet Chase and baby Jacob. We walked around the bird sanctuary and Katie let me hold the baby (even when he spit up on me), until Karen called and wanted us to eat dinner with her. Had I known the visit would be less than pleasant with Karen, I would've just stayed at the park with Katie. Since Mom decided not to get her tattoo and I'm not supposed to get one while expecting, we decided to come home a day early instead of spending one more night in the hotel.

Did I mention we didn't have hot water in our room's shower? There was also food under the bed, like Cheerios and candies that we didn't put there. They didn't even have extra pillows to spare... Not going back there again. So, avoid the Econo Lodge in Kenner off Veteran's.

Baby Stuff

I went to the local clinic and filled out the usual paperwork. I've got an ultrasound appointment on the 17th, as well as a OB appointment with Dr. W on the 24th. I miss the days when I could enjoy pregnancy and not be super paranoid about miscarriage.

Pregnancy Highlights:

How far along: 5 weeks.

Size of baby: Sesame seed.

Total weight gain/loss: No change.

Maternity clothes: Do leggings count? I'm bloated.

Gender: Unknown.

Movement: None yet.

Cravings: Nothing yet.

Symptoms: Moody, tired.

Best moment this week: Pregnancy tests are still showing a strong positive.

Easter 2018

I woke up around 6:30 this morning. I was craving lasagna, so luckily we had some leftover from last night's dinner. The Easter Bunny hid eggs around our almost-overgrown backyard while I woke the kids up to get them dressed and ready for church. Three baskets of candy awaited them in the kitchen, so they ate chocolate for breakfast and we headed to church. 

I sang in the cantata (no solos) and giggled over how the older ladies discussed not farting in front of their husbands, even after 30 years of marriage. We drove to my parents' and visited with Dad for a bit. I gave him a small basket of candies to cheer him up since he's been grieving Emily a little more this week. She hated all things Easter because Jesus being crucified always made her upset. Dad's looking a little strange now that the right side of his face doesn't work. His eye is irritated and his mouth droops a bit. There's also a sunken spot by his ear where the tumor was removed. I feel sad for him. He's just been through so much in a year. He's looking forward to our New Orleans trip this weekend, though! He usually hates going out of town, but he's actually excited about eating seafood and going to the aquarium. I'm really hoping he has fun. I just want to eat all the beignets and catfish.

Mike and Ashley came over for dinner and we sat around daydreaming of life in the mountains with cottages and gardens, mountains, and waterfalls. One day, that would be quite the life. The kids played really well together. I think their boys liked our trampoline almost as much as Mike did. Leah was bounced so high, it was all she talked about for an hour, haha. We're planning to go visit them after we get back from New Orleans because Mike mentioned he makes really great homemade General Tso chicken, while Ashley was bragging about how amazing her steak fajitas are. We will just have to see which one is better.

I've got an appointment with the clinic on Tuesday, then I can see if Dr. W (he delivered Elias) will take me on as a patient again. He was so awesome last time, so hopefully.

No More Coughing

We're all feeling better! Zac no longer sounds like he's wheezing to death, nobody has fever, there is no mucus falling from anyone's noses, and we have been enjoying the great outdoors!

*Throws confetti*

Unfortunately, Zac missed a whole week of work, so he spent yesterday catching up on some projects. He met some traffic on his way home, so we were late getting Emily's car to the shop. I can go on Monday instead. The car needs more work than a back window, so we're going to get it looked at soon. After the window is replaced, we can take it to the car wash and vacuum the rest of the glass out. Maybe it'll stop smelling like her soon, too...

Yesterday, we had Steak and Shake for lunch since the weather was warm and breezy and we were desperate to get out of the house. The Parmesan 'n Garlic fries are to die for. Kids eat free on Saturdays, so bonus there.

I worked this afternoon/evening. I was supposed to get off at 6, but stayed til 8 because we had to change out two tables by switching candles and props, etc. My back isn't pleased, but oh well. I don't mind extra time to make up for Zac missing hours. No biggie.

And in other news, a 6th bun is baking and will hopefully arrive in early December. I'm taking it one day at a time and hope in a few short weeks to hear a healthy little heartbeat. But, one day at a time.

Dad

I haven't talked about my dad or how he's doing in a while. He had surgery today to remove a tumor from his face. When he and Mom came to visit about two weeks ago, he had a lump the size of a grape on the side of his face near his ear. Mom sent me a picture today and it was as big as half a lemon. The surgery was scheduled for around 7:30 this morning and should have lasted about three hours, but he wasn't out until nearly 6 this evening. He's spending the night in the ICU since the procedure took so long. The surgeon had to cut a major nerve in order to remove the tumor, so it's going to affect his eye. The tumor would've affected his eye, too, so either way something was going to happen. He won't be able to blink on that side and will either need a special device to keep his eye moisturized, or he'll have to wear an eye patch. All Dad's lymph nodes looked normal, but a few had to be removed from his neck. There also doesn't appear to be cancer anywhere else according to the scans, so that's a relief.

Meanwhile, he's still suffering from memory loss and has his early dementia, so he's confused most of the time. I haven't been to see him in a while, but will probably take the kids over there next week once we're all feeling better. Zac's got a sore throat, and even Mom has a fever now. Dad doesn't always recognize me, so it's hard to be there with him. I know if I spend more time with him, he probably won't be so forgetful. I'll update when I know more.

St. Patrick's Day 2018

We were sick this year, conveniently around the time we would normally go to New Orleans and see the Irish/Italian parade. We missed out on the fun and stayed home and I didn't get to cook my shepherd pie because I hadn't felt like cooking. However, since none of us were feeling sickly green today, we went out to run errands and wore green. I convinced Zac to take me to Home Depot so I could buy some soil and flowers and FINALLY get around to fixing up my window box planter in the front yard. I also picked out a bird feeder, but forgot to buy a bird bath. Zac has been wanting to attempt a DIY box garden, complete with door and roof made of chicken wire. It's much cheaper to build it ourselves than to buy it ready-made. I'm excited. We may have missed our time of planting, but according to the Internet, we have time to get tomatoes and peppers in the ground. I don't have much of a green thumb (lots of green, right?) so, I'm skeptical of my skills. But, playing in the dirt and planting my petunias was super awesome and I just want to keep digging. Walmart also has a tempting chicken coop that I'm leaning towards getting because all I want is a bunch of chickens. 

Yo ho, yo ho, the farmer's life for me.

Since the kiddos were so good and didn't get a disciplinary pinch from Mama Leprechaun, we treated them to some Bop's before heading home. I'm so glad they're feeling better. Jac still has a cough and I'm still getting rid of some funk in my throat, but we're okay. Zac has the beginning of a sore throat, but he, like Leah, doesn't stay sick for long. I'm just glad I went out and bought some meds because all of ours had expired... we just don't get sick often. Thankfully!

Sick

Leah picked up a fever last week and shared it with the rest of us, so we're a bit quarantined for now. I'm glad I'm off the rest of the week because I'd hate to call out. My throat hurts, but I don't have fever. Jac threw up this morning, but I think it was from his mucus drip. Today, the fevers finally went away for the boys. Elias has been super sweet and cheery, Jac has been in a good mood, though just tired, and Leah has been her normal, broody self. I just don't think she likes helping out, even though she's a good helper. She also lost a tooth, so maybe the money from the Tooth Fairy will influence a more positive attitude.

Mostly Sad

Thirteen years of blogging as of today. Neat-o.

Zac missed work earlier this week because our car decided to die. He spent about seven hours at the repair shop so they could replace the starter, but that time also includes having the car towed to the shop, as well as having a locksmith come by to open the car because my exhausted husband accidentally locked our only key in the car. My keys were most likely stolen back in December, so we've been lazy-yet-careful with our only key. We did try to get a spare, but Walmart doesn't have the right model for our particular car and with us only having one car, it's been hard going out to get a spare made anywhere else. Did I mention we're also a little bit lazy?

Meanwhile, I've got Emily's car in my possession now, which is both depressing and good. However, some asshole busted out the back window before we went to pick it up. I'm just glad her ex-roommate was smart enough to put a tarp over the space before the rain came. So, now we have that looming over us and the car is not yet insured. I feel like I'm drowning just a bit. Add the second miscarriage and I almost feel like my sanity is being tested... especially since I didn't think I would miscarry after having a term pregnancy last, and I was letting myself get excited enough to tell everyone straight away.

To perk us up for the weekend, Zac and I went and filed our taxes, so that's one relief. We decided to go to Fernando's for lunch because it's been a while since we went out to eat, just us. However, I got choked up when our favorite waiter (he's served us for about 12 years now) asked about Emily and if she still worked at Walmart and I couldn't tell him she died because I felt my throat close up and my eyes started welling up. It was more, "She did work at Walmart," even though she worked at TJMaxx last, but he didn't know that and I still had to talk about her in the past tense, which I don't think will ever be easy.

I'm just sick of being so fucking sad all the time.

I'll turn this around with some pictures of the kids from yesterday when we went to work with Zac to help him catch up on some things he was unable to do when the car broke.

And as soon as it came, it went.

No sense in being vague. I miscarried this morning around 10am. I've been taking pregnancy tests frequently over the past week because I can no longer enjoy pregnancy and have to deal with paranoia (and for good reason, obviously) and yesterday, the words Not Pregnant appeared on my digital test. I took a cheap test before work last night and saw the faintest of lines, then another this morning with an even fainter line. Then I started cramping and the blood came and now I'm just a sad mass of sad. I'm assuming it was a chemical pregnancy, but loss is loss. I'm not teaching today, so Jac and Leah are taking care of Elias for me. They're in Jac's room watching movies, so I'm going to stay in my bed and watch Roseanne and maybe play WoW to get my mind somewhere else for a little while.

Cats and stuff

The kitties had an appointment to get their vaccinations, since they were too tiny and sick when we first got them. Everything is healthy with them, much to our relief. No parasites, no problems. Phew.

And in other news, we've got a surprise bundle due October 2018. Right now, there isn't much to report aside from being starving to death all the live long day. I've only told a handful of people like my parents and siblings. When I told my dad he's going to be a granddaddy again, he started crying.  It was sweet. I'm feeling emotional, myself. My little sister isn't here and this baby won't ever know Auntie Em. But, I'm staying positive and I hope this is a smooth pregnancy.

Park

I've only worked one day this week, so the cabin fever set in. I convinced the fam to go on a walk behind the house because we all needed fresh air. Plus, it was the perfect overcast, gusty-but-not-cold weather.

Since Mardi Gras came and went too quickly, and since Mississippi doesn't celebrate such fun occasions, I baked a "homemade" king cake out of canned cinnamon rolls. Turned out great, but super rich. I plan to make another for Easter.

28 days hath February

Jena stayed with us over the weekend. She brought a king cake and we watched about five seasons of Friends. This year marks 30 years of friendship and we've decided to get symbolic tattoos at some point in the next few months. I've also decided on a tattoo for Emily, and would like to go ahead and get Elias', as well as the Deathly Hallows. Lots of fun inking to procure this year.

The kiddos are about halfway through the school year and I've started pricing next year's curriculum. I'm having a hard time accepting my eldest will be in the 7th grade this year (insert ugly-cry emoji here) and my baby is creeping out from toddlerhood. Jac and Leah have started reading more in their free time, much to my delight. I've had enough of the video game obsession, which has now been fully embraced by Elias. All day long, "Mayocot!" which roughly translates to Mario Kart. He doesn't exactly play the game, but he'll watch the cars go via automatic acceleration. He likes books, as well, and has started quoting The Gruffalo and Room on the Broom, both of which are his favorites. A while back I purchased some classics from Target's clearance section for about $1 each, so Jac has already read Anne of Green Gables, The Time Machine, and Treasure Island. Leah has read Legend of Sleepy Hollow, and is working on Little Women. They're broken down so young children can read them and get the plot of the story without getting distracted by too many large words.

Work has been slow, so I've been home more. I finally got around to putting pictures of the kids around the house and getting rid of more stuff. Alex is giving me Emily's car, so I'm going to try to turn in the paperwork early next week, as well as file our taxes. So many adult chores to accomplish. But at least I crocheted a bunch of macarons, right? #productive

Grief vent

I haven't really written much about Emily even though I've wanted to. I am always thinking about her and I go through really difficult days when I want more than anything to call her and hear her voice. I've been sadder this week, which makes it difficult to predict how I'll feel next week. I cry on ocassion, but not for long periods of time. It's lonelier, in spite of having people around me. There was just a different bond we had and I don't have that with anyone else. I talk about her now and then when the opportunity presents itself, but I don't feel like I've got anyone who can relate to me. I've been feeling angry with people for going on with their lives and not caring that my sister died.

I know that's not what they're doing, but it feels like that sometimes.

I had to send messages to people on Facebook in order to get addresses for Christmas cards. I simply wrote, "Hey, can I have your address? We're going to send out cards this year. Thanks!" The response I received in return the most was "Hey, sorry I haven't talked to you. I didn't know what to say." It makes me feel annoyed, but I'm not sure if I shouldn't be. Should I be? I don't always know what to say, but I'd rather say something completely generic and stupid than nothing at all. But then I get annoyed when people who weren't even friends with her or talked to her try to tell me they're so depressed and sad because they miss her so much. It reminds me of when I miscarried and someone offered me words of comfort by telling me she knew how I felt because she had an abortion.

I am fairly certain I create an awkward space around me. The people I talk to know she's gone, yet they don't bring her up because they fear it will upset me. But, so what? If I get upset, doesn't that mean that I am grieving her? Doesn't that mean I still love her and wish so much she was still here and not in a tiny urn on my shelf? It doesn't mean I don't want to ever say her name out loud again. All that bothers me is that I have to say things like "She liked" "She used to" "She would've". 

Grief just sucks and I don't know how to navigate through it because every time I ask for directions, I'm told, "I don't know, ask that guy over there". 

More Snow?

We got a bit more snow over the weekend, so Zac was able to come home early. The temperature actually dropped to a whopping 11 degrees, much to the delight of my joints. I hate being cold, even though I love the snow. Well, I love looking at the snow through a frosty window, from beneath the warmth of my heated blanket, over the rim of my hot tea, inside my cozy house. My kids, on the other hand, can't get enough of it.

New Year, Who Dis?

I'm getting back into my old routine of making breakfast and dinner, keeping the house cleaned up and enjoying these last few days of no-teaching and being off work for a few days. It's a little relaxing, a little boring, and a little I'm-not-sure-what-to-do-with-myself. Normally, Emily would come over and she would have black coffee and puff on her vape while we talked about life and movies and watched YouTube videos. I miss her the most when my brain doesn't have anything else to think about. I'm going to focus on some hobbies this year and I've deactivated my Facebook account because I can't let my grief consume me. I'm planning to get the kids more involved with their own hobbies and spend more time outside. Not today, though. It's 20 degrees. Eff that.

I baked some Betty Crocker sugar cookies with the kiddos for New Year's. We were supposed to bake them on Christmas Eve, but I ended up working until 10pm, so that was a no-go. They turned out cute and delicious, even though the shapes were eaten too fast to grab a picture first. Either way, they were yum.

Dear, 2018, please don't be a shit like 2016 and 2017. 

2018 - A year in review: 2017

1. What did you do in 2017 that you'd never done before?

*Bought a house.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions and will you make more for next year?

*I didn't make any. Hard to say if I'll make one for next year. Maybe.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

*No.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

*Emily.

5. What countries did you visit?

*None.

6. What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017?

*Honestly, I want my sister back.

7. What events from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory?

*Emily's suicide.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

*We bought a house.

9. What was your biggest failure?

*That's a very big question.

10. Did you suffer an illness or injury?

*Does grief count?

11. What was the best thing you bought?

*We did a lot of fun things in 2017. I guess the house is the best thing.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

*I'm really not sure.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

*Um... well.

14. Where did most of your money go?

*The house.

15. What did you get really excited about?

*We took the kids ice skating for the first time.

16. What song will always remind you of 2017?

*I honestly can't think of a song.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

-Happier or sadder? So much sadder.

-Thinner or fatter? Thinner, maybe?

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

*Spent time with Emily.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

*Fuss at the kids.

20. How did you spent Christmas?

*Jena and Alex spent Christmas with us. It was nice.

21. Did you fall in love in 2017?

*I'm already in love.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

*I watched a lot of The Mindy Project.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

*Not that I can think of.

24. What was the best book you read?

*I'm drawing a blank.

25. What was your favorite musical discovery?

*Lana Del Rey.

26. What did you want and get?

*A house.

27. What did you want and not get?

*I'm not sure.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

*Jumanji was pretty good. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, and Thor: Ragnarok. 

29. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?

*Emily came over and brought me a snow globe. I was 34.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

*If Emily hadn't killed herself.

31.How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017?

*Comfortable.

32. What kept you sane?

*My kids. Zac. Friends.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

*Shirley Manson.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

*I'm trying to avoid politics.

35. Who do you miss?

*Emily. So so so much.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

*The homeschool group wasn't too shabby.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017.

*Fun stuff costs money.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

*"The trick is to keep breathing."