Happy Halloween! What a bizarre year so far. It almost feels silly to dress up. However, it was still fun. We carved some pumpkins, took a walk in our costumes, and were even beckoned to grab some candy from a few neighbors. Elias was the only one in a mask and gloves, so he was the only one allowed to bring the candy bucket up to the houses. He said it was the best Halloween ever and I'm trying to channel his enthusiasm until this virus is under control.
So. Today kinda sucked a bunch. I got up at 7:30 and did the usual morning routine. The vet appointment was for 10, so I had Leah get ready and got May and AJ together in a carrier and box and loaded them in the van. Jac stayed home with Elias and Cole. We got to the vet where we needed to go inside and all the receptionists and clients and vets were sans masks *massive eyeroll*. So May got some vaccines and is good for another two years. AJ got one vaccine and goes back next month. They did a fecal test, but there wasn't enough to get a good reading, so while the results were negative, they gave him some meds as a precaution.
I stopped by the thrift shop to donate some items and Jena was in the lane next to mine at the traffic light. That was kinda funny. We briefly caught up before the light turned green. So, I headed home where Cody's litterbox (in my room on carpet) was upside down, so I had to vacuum the litter I couldn't salvage. I pinched my finger between the pieces of the vacuum nozzle, so that was fun. Then I got another finger smashed in my closet doors. Later today, I grated my knuckle on the cheese grater in the sink while getting my dishes loaded in the dishwasher. And then I smashed ANOTHER finger in my lap desk, which made me drop my laptop and break my headphones that were plugged into the jack. Awesome.
On top of that nonsense, I welcomed a surprise visit from the Red Queen and pulled a muscle in my neck. I was practically in tears by 5pm when Zac let me know he was on his way home. What I love about him is how absolutely kind he is to me, his dramatic wife. I told him about my horrible day and he offered to pick me up some takeout and coffee, so I puddled into a ball of emotions. It helped. I felt better. I'm really hoping tomorrow is better.
Mike and Ashley came by this morning and brought us our new baby. This is AJ, or Almond Joy. If my math is correct, he's almost 8 weeks old, but he's very tiny. I'm taking him to the vet Monday with May to find out his actual age based on his teeth and such. He'll be getting his first vaccinations and check for parasites, etc. So far, he's playful and has a good appetite, but he's just small. Cody is a little rough with him, but they have been caught snuggling today after their baths.
I'll admit sometimes I can be impulsive and make a decision without thinking about it. Other times, I'll think about it, weighing pros and cons, then take a leap. Well, the latter happened. First of all, We've buried two pets this month. Leah's little robo dwarf hamster, Minnie, died and we aren't really sure how. My poor girl was devastated. Then, Jac's fish, Squidward, died. So, yesterday I got us a kitten. He's an orange short-haired tabby (my favorite kind) and is named Cream Soda, or just Cody. And he's the sweetest ever.
Fourteen years ago, Zac and I were 20 and 22 with a baby when we decided to opt for Friday the 13th as a wedding date. We were living with my parents, shared a car, and had no idea where life was going to take us. Here we are, 14 years and four kids later, in the midst of a pandemic, in our own house, and just as much crazy about each other as we were then.
Jena offered to sit with all four of our kiddos (bless her) so Zac and I could have a few hours to ourselves. We aren't eating in restaurants right now, so I whipped up a quick plan for Fernando's take-out and a quick stop at the store to pick out a $5 movie and some drinks. I got lucky and found The Princess Bride. We've got a DVD player in the van, so I put the back row of seats down flat, spread a blanket out, and we picnicked in the Target parking lot. It was probably the most romantic thing we've ever done together and it reminded me of when we were newly dating. Neither of us could hang out at the other's house, so he'd come pick me up in the Blazer and we'd park at Walmart to hang out and listen to music. Sometimes we'd bring cards or a board game and just hang out in the back of the Blazer. It was super nostalgic for both of us. Afterward, we went and walked around Target and bought some candy for the kids and Jena.
We left the kids with Mom and made a day trip to see Jessie and get our tattoos finished. It's the first I've been away from Cole as long as we were, so that was a bit hard, BUT, it was a much needed us-time. We got coffees and listened to our 90's grunge without kids telling us to turn it down, ha. Anyhoo, the tattoo came out perfectly. I dunno how she does it, but she does. I could also kick myself for not going with Sally in the first place.
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Zac and I made a day trip to Louisiana to visit Mawmaw and go through some boxes. She's selling her house to move in with Frank and Marie, so she's making sure Zac gets some things from his childhood. We had a nice visit, talking about food and such. Pawpaw was impressed that Zac makes homemade Mexican rice. Next week when we come to get our tattoos finished, Mawmaw said we could take some things she doesn't want anymore, so we're getting some patio furniture *happy dance*. It'll just be Zac and me, so we'll have room in the van.
Yesterday was Emily's birthday. She'd have been 35. I didn't want to think about her birthday, even though it was all I could think about for the past 9 days. I was doing fine that morning. I hung out with the kids and did some housework. I was irritable, but kept telling myself to be patient, grief was to blame and I was pushing it down. I clean best when I'm irritable or sad, basically any emotion except happy (haha). Around noon, I played around on my laptop and found myself on Emily's Facebook, and out of nowhere I felt my emotions get the better of me. I hid out in my room for a little while, having a good cry and letting my grief do its thing. I felt better after.
I called Odom's to see if I could get Jac a replacement pair of frames for his glasses since Cole decided to break the ear pieces off his current ones. Luckily, they said come on in. I piled the kids in the van and got them out of the house for about an hour. Jac likes his temporary frames. While we were waiting, a woman pulled up next to us in the parking lot. I don't normally pay attention to the people around me in their own cars doing their own thing, but I noticed she had a baby in her lap. But it wasn't a baby baby. It was a reborn doll. I had my sunglasses on, so I kinda looked at her longer than what would be polite without my sunglasses, but I was mostly fascinated. I come across YouTube videos of women bringing their reborns out in public and doing typical mom things with their dolls. It's interesting. I wondered if maybe she was carrying her own grief and her reborn was her coping mechanism.
I got home and fixed lunch for the kids, then hung out on the sofa playing Animal Crossing while the kids watched TV. Zac got home around 5:30 and I got up to meet him in the kitchen. I felt a sharp pain (kinda the norm for me these days) in my side. I ignored it and did the usual "how was your day" stuff. The pain in my side increased to uncomfortable and I told Zac I was gonna go lay down for a little while. I laid flat, trying not to let my anxiety make me feel worse. After about an hour, it was to the point where I couldn't lay still. My lower right side of my abdomen sent sharp pains and if I pressed where my appendix was located, the pain increased. I felt sick and started worrying to where I had a full-blown anxiety attack and started shaking. My temperature was fine and I wasn't feeling any air moving around. After a little while, the pain eased up and I went to sleep around 9. At midnight, I woke up in pain. Zac was still awake next to me and I told him I thought something was wrong. I could feel what felt like a small bulge on my lower right and the right area of my back hurt. I basically had symptoms of appendicitis, so after another anxiety attack, he agreed to take me to the ER. I couldn't stand up straight without feeling sharp pains, so he helped me get my shoes on and told Jac we'd be back soon. Jac wanted to stay up til we got back, so he enjoyed his night owl time.
I got to the ER, filled out some paper work and was told Zac wouldn't be allowed back there with me because of covid. So, after I was called to the room, he went out to sit in the car. First guy came in, asked me some questions. Second guy came in and pressed around on my belly (much to my agony). Lady nurse came in and was so super nice. She took some blood, then started my IV with morphine and Zofran to get me comfortable. Morphine is weird. I'd never had it before. Almost immediately I felt like I was floating. I kept thinking about Dad because that's all he had towards the end. I started feeling nauseated, then uncomfortably relaxed. Zac texted to check on me and with the IV, I couldn't text very well. I called him and told him I felt weird and loopy. The next thing I remember, the nurse was waking me up and telling Zac on my phone he could come in (that she doesn't normally allow it, but needed him to keep me awake). Apparently, I told Zac the room was spinning and then went silent, then the heart monitor started beeping like crazy because my hear rate was dropping, so the nurse had to run back in and wake me up. Zac was calling out to me through my phone, so the nurse told him what was going on. After a while, my pain subsided and I was taken to get a CT scan of my abdomen. They injected some dye into my IV, which felt super warm and kinda like I peed on myself. It was a strange sensation. After that, I got taken back to the room to wait for results. I kept dozing off, but I had Zac read to me to keep me alert.
Around 3am, I was given my results. Constipation, probably from my anxiety. I felt embarrassed and shocked and confused because how the fuck can that be it? With the amount of pain I was in, how was it something completely opposite of what I imagined? I drink so much water, I don't eat meat, etc. I was aggravated, yet relieved because I really didn't want surgery. So, I've got some prescriptions to hopefully help me feel better within a few days.
I spent some time at Mom's this afternoon after I picked up my meds. The kids played and watched TV while I drank a few bottles of water and tried to relax. I forgot to bring Cole's diaper bag, so after he took a nap in Mom's lap, we headed home. I'm feeling less anxious, but frustrated, and I'm starting to wonder if the pains I was having back in March was early signs of this? I'm just glad my results were all normal and it's an "easy fix". I blame my anxiety. It wasn't as bad until Emily died and then it's slowly progressed to WTF level. I'm considering therapy and possibly meds... though I really don't want to take meds. I dunno. We'll see.
I've been feeling stir-crazy again, but have been picking up groceries to get out of the house once a week. And... I started Christmas shopping. LOL. No, really. The last thing I want to do is wait until October/November when stores get crowded and I'll need to go inside stores if anything is sold out online. The sooner the better.
Not a lot has been going on. I've been trying to do creative projects here and there. I haven't finished the church's nursery paintings yet, but Zac's off tomorrow for Labor Day, so I vowed to work on them and get them finished. Meanwhile, I wanted to make some name signs for the kiddos. I can't ever find Elias' name, but I liked being able to personalize these. Thanks to Hobby Lobby for all the fun supplies.
I contacted the funeral home that dealt with Emily's ashes and wanted to see when I could bring Dad's and get my urn finished. Unfortunately, they changed their policy because they accidentally broke someone's urn and had to pay to replace it, so they no longer accept outside containers. Lovely. I did some mental debating with myself and decided I would fill it myself. I picked it because it looks like something he'd like and it was less than $20, and I wasn't about to spend $100 on an urn the funeral home provided. So, I did it. And it sucked so much. I had to keep telling myself it was just dust, not Dad, but it was definitely something I don't think I want to do again. When I got home, I settled him on his shelf with his things. I did notice, however, that Emily's is much lighter, so I wonder if I over-filled or if they didn't put enough in hers... I dunno. It doesn't really matter, does it? I told Zac I probably just have Emily's middle finger. But that's all done. I even put some of Dad's ashes in Karen's necklace she picked out, even though I was reluctant for two reasons: 1. it's a very small opening and maybe holds a pinch. 2. She hasn't spoken to me since January and has basically "disowned" me because I'm friends with Krystal... go figure. Anyhoo, that's that. I'm sad and just want to sleep.
Zac picked up Dunkin' Donuts this morning and one of their not-too-bad pumpkin spice coffees. We spent most of the day somewhat restless, but ended up taking the kids and dogs on a walk. Cole got excited to run along the path and scraped his little knees up, but he's a trooper. Both little boys were exhausted. Elias peddled his tricycle while Leah rode her scooter. Jac walked the stroller for us. It was a nice day. I can feel autumn coming, though it may be side effects from the two hurricanes approaching the southern coast. My Louisiana gals are doing alright so far, though. This evening we went on a bike ride and I didn't get a single bug in my eye... that's been something of a common occurrence lately if we head out after 7pm. I've had two separate bugs get into my eye and had to dig them out while leaving a leg piece behind. Disgusting. Anyway, Zac and I spent some time doing artsy things this evening. I started working on the church's nursery paintings, but need to buy more white. Zac drew Charlie Jones from Coraline and cooked dinner. It's felt like a long Sunday, but I'm glad. I like having him home.
Back in July, I tried to get in touch with the hospital to see when I'd be getting Dad back. I never heard anything from them aside from a "we'll call you next week" and a month goes by. Today, I sent Jac out to get the mail and he asked, "What did you order that weighs so much??" I noticed a much smaller package from Stardust Memorials (the urn) on top and then it clicked what was so heavy. Dad's ashes.
It is odd to think that he fits in a small box. I opened it to see what sort of container he was put in and it was just a little plastic box with a bag of ashes. Cue emotional overload. Things felt heavy. A few weeks ago I was sorting through my Box of Things and came across some letters Dad had written me while I was in college. He put in little comic strips from newspapers, or he'd type something silly or something meaningful. He always signed his name in ink, though. I had a good cry in my closet while Zac had all the kids on a Door Dash delivery. It was refreshing and sad and something I think I needed. I haven't really let myself grieve my dad like I did for Emily.
This evening, I brought the ashes to Mom's. It was weird. I put my purse on the box, which triggered some emotion because Dad used to hold my purse for me if I needed to use a public bathroom or carry a baby, or something else. He never minded that, but it was like pulling teeth for him to purchase feminine products. Anyway, I got to Mom's and she put him on a shelf in her closet until she can go get the ashes divided into various containers for people.
