Monday, January 22, 2018

Grief vent

I haven't really written much about Emily even though I've wanted to. I am always thinking about her and I go through really difficult days when I want more than anything to call her and hear her voice. I've been sadder this week, which makes it difficult to predict how I'll feel next week. I cry on ocassion, but not for long periods of time. It's lonelier, in spite of having people around me. There was just a different bond we had and I don't have that with anyone else. I talk about her now and then when the opportunity presents itself, but I don't feel like I've got anyone who can relate to me. I've been feeling angry with people for going on with their lives and not caring that my sister died.

I know that's not what they're doing, but it feels like that sometimes.

I had to send messages to people on Facebook in order to get addresses for Christmas cards. I simply wrote, "Hey, can I have your address? We're going to send out cards this year. Thanks!" The response I received in return the most was "Hey, sorry I haven't talked to you. I didn't know what to say." It makes me feel annoyed, but I'm not sure if I shouldn't be. Should I be? I don't always know what to say, but I'd rather say something completely generic and stupid than nothing at all. But then I get annoyed when people who weren't even friends with her or talked to her try to tell me they're so depressed and sad because they miss her so much. It reminds me of when I miscarried and someone offered me words of comfort by telling me she knew how I felt because she had an abortion.

I am fairly certain I create an awkward space around me. The people I talk to know she's gone, yet they don't bring her up because they fear it will upset me. But, so what? If I get upset, doesn't that mean that I am grieving her? Doesn't that mean I still love her and wish so much she was still here and not in a tiny urn on my shelf? It doesn't mean I don't want to ever say her name out loud again. All that bothers me is that I have to say things like "She liked" "She used to" "She would've". 

Grief just sucks and I don't know how to navigate through it because every time I ask for directions, I'm told, "I don't know, ask that guy over there". 

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

More Snow?

We got a bit more snow over the weekend, so Zac was able to come home early. The temperature actually dropped to a whopping 11 degrees, much to the delight of my joints. I hate being cold, even though I love the snow. Well, I love looking at the snow through a frosty window, from beneath the warmth of my heated blanket, over the rim of my hot tea, inside my cozy house. My kids, on the other hand, can't get enough of it.

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

New Year, Who Dis?

I'm getting back into my old routine of making breakfast and dinner, keeping the house cleaned up and enjoying these last few days of no-teaching and being off work for a few days. It's a little relaxing, a little boring, and a little I'm-not-sure-what-to-do-with-myself. Normally, Emily would come over and she would have black coffee and puff on her vape while we talked about life and movies and watched YouTube videos. I miss her the most when my brain doesn't have anything else to think about. I'm going to focus on some hobbies this year and I've deactivated my Facebook account because I can't let my grief consume me. I'm planning to get the kids more involved with their own hobbies and spend more time outside. Not today, though. It's 20 degrees. Eff that.

I baked some Betty Crocker sugar cookies with the kiddos for New Year's. We were supposed to bake them on Christmas Eve, but I ended up working until 10pm, so that was a no-go. They turned out cute and delicious, even though the shapes were eaten too fast to grab a picture first. Either way, they were yum.


Dear, 2018, please don't be a shit like 2016 and 2017. 

Monday, January 1, 2018

2018 - A year in review: 2017

1. What did you do in 2017 that you'd never done before?
*Bought a house.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions and will you make more for next year?
*I didn't make any. Hard to say if I'll make one for next year. Maybe.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
*No.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
*Emily.

5. What countries did you visit?
*None.

6. What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017?
*Honestly, I want my sister back.

7. What events from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory?
*Emily's suicide.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
*We bought a house.

9. What was your biggest failure?
*That's a very big question.

10. Did you suffer an illness or injury?
*Does grief count?

11. What was the best thing you bought?
*We did a lot of fun things in 2017. I guess the house is the best thing.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
*I'm really not sure.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
*Um... well.

14. Where did most of your money go?
*The house.

15. What did you get really excited about?
*We took the kids ice skating for the first time.

16. What song will always remind you of 2017?
*I honestly can't think of a song.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
-Happier or sadder? So much sadder.
-Thinner or fatter? Thinner, maybe?

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
*Spent time with Emily.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
*Fuss at the kids.

20. How did you spent Christmas?
*Jena and Alex spent Christmas with us. It was nice.

21. Did you fall in love in 2017?
*I'm already in love.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
*I watched a lot of The Mindy Project.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
*Not that I can think of.

24. What was the best book you read?
*I'm drawing a blank.

25. What was your favorite musical discovery?
*Lana Del Rey.

26. What did you want and get?
*A house.

27. What did you want and not get?
*I'm not sure.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
*Jumanji was pretty good. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, and Thor: Ragnarok

29. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
*Emily came over and brought me a snow globe. I was 34.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
*If Emily hadn't killed herself.

31.How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017?
*Comfortable.

32. What kept you sane?
*My kids. Zac. Friends.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
*Shirley Manson.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
*I'm trying to avoid politics.

35. Who do you miss?
*Emily. So so so much.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
*The homeschool group wasn't too shabby.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017.
*Fun stuff costs money.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
*"The trick is to keep breathing."