Cole is TWO!

My littlest pumpkin is officially a two-year-old! No longer a baby, no longer a burrito. He welcomed his brand new year with a tantrum that lasted roughly four hours, a nap that lasted roughly four minutes, and day that lasted roughly forever. HOWEVER, while the day started off negatively, it ended well. I attempted to make cake pops, but the batter was too soft and the sticks fell through, so I rolled them in sugar and they were cakey doughnut balls. The kids loved them, but ugh. They sucked (lol).

At two, he still doesn't say much, aside from "ball", "book", "meow", "bug", "beans", and "mama". Lots of B words, but no sentences. Most of the B words sound similar, so it depends on the context to decipher which one. I'm not too worried. Jac was a late-talker.

He loves dinosaurs, beans, taking baths and splashing, playing peek-a-boo/hide-and-seek, climbing on everything, and doing a lot by himself. He doesn't like being told "no" and isn't the best listener. He also thinks if he holds his toys above his head, it keeps others from taking them. He's helpful and claps for himself, blows kisses, and is assertive. I see a lot of my dad in him, but also his own little sweet self. These two years have flown by, but I look forward to many more with him.

Thanksgiving 2020

We spent most of the day cooking. I made a list of foods that sounded good, but it's so much work to make food. I told him we should order pizza for Christmas. Ha!

Anyway. Mom was supposed to come over, but she had to work, so it was just us. It was a relaxing, though busy, day. I'm so glad we're not going out of town this year. I know it can't be helped, but at the same time, I'm happy to be home. Plus, I'm not ready to leave the kittens home alone just yet. The kids watched the Macy parade on TV, we listened to Christmas music, and just enjoyed being home.

I'm truly thankful we haven't caught covid (yet, but hopefully ever). We know people who've had it and recovered, but also a few who died from it. It sucks and this year is a shitty one, but I'm thankful we've been lucky so far.

I'm thankful to have this little family. Thankful my house is messy because my kids are home, thankful the cats can't reach my tree, and thankful for a best friend/papa like Zac who loves his kids and me the way he does.

Zac is 35!

Happy birthday, my delightful darling! All this guy wanted was a pecan pie. We love him to pieces.

Three years later and time keeps going

I woke up feeling much better than I have in the previous years on this day. I went out alone to keep myself distracted. I find that Christmas decorations help immensely at keeping my mind off death and focused on what I guess I'll refer to as "hope". It was sweater weather, clear blue sky, and I wore my Pardon My French sweatshirt that I bought when she came with me to buy jeans a few years ago. On my way home, I guess my emotions caught up to me because I hadn't really felt anything prior to today. The day looms over me all year and I know it's coming, but I push it down and focus on other things (super healthy, I know). So, of course I had a breakdown in the car. However, it felt like some relief. Maybe I just needed to have a good cry. I've been super stressed out with this entire dumpster of a year, my anxiety has been at an all-time high, in spite of dodging my triggers, which isn't possible as this virus is EVERYWHERE. My friends are far away, family is far away, and while we get a moment here and there, it's definitely not the same as years before. I want to hug my cousins and overindulge in Bourbon balls, spend a week in Louisiana with my girlfriends and sit next to them where I can see the details of their eyes, smell their shampoo in their hair, compliment their clothes, and hold their new babies, etc. This year is shit. Next year will probably be shit, too, but hopefully not a full year of shit. All of that on top of grief is a lot. I miss Emily. I miss Dad, I miss life before death. I miss calling to ask a question that only she would know the answer to. I'm forever frustrated, but tomorrow is another day and it will be here soon.

25 again

Another year older. This morning was awful because pre-teens are the worst when it comes to attitudes. They didn't understand why I didn't want to clean a kitchen or wash laundry, or fold laundry, or pick up toys, or cook breakfast. But guess what? I did it anyway because today is Thursday and it's also why I don't make a big deal out of my birthday. All I wanted to do was go to Target and smell candles and maybe buy shit I don't need. You know what I did? On my birthday? I bought Christmas gifts for the brats I call my children. Yup. I did. I didn't even get Starbucks on my way out. I did find a musical Eiffel Tower water globe, though. I've been looking for one for quite some time and got lucky. I met up with Jena and she gave me a bag of gifts. It was nice getting out of the house for a little while. I even stopped at Bath & Body Works to smell candles and spritz myself with Winter Candy Apple. It was nice. When I got home, Zac surprised me with a carrot cake from Nothing Bundt Cakes. It made my night so nice.