I woke up feeling much better than I have in the previous years on this day. I went out alone to keep myself distracted. I find that Christmas decorations help immensely at keeping my mind off death and focused on what I guess I'll refer to as "hope". It was sweater weather, clear blue sky, and I wore my Pardon My French sweatshirt that I bought when she came with me to buy jeans a few years ago. On my way home, I guess my emotions caught up to me because I hadn't really felt anything prior to today. The day looms over me all year and I know it's coming, but I push it down and focus on other things (super healthy, I know). So, of course I had a breakdown in the car. However, it felt like some relief. Maybe I just needed to have a good cry. I've been super stressed out with this entire dumpster of a year, my anxiety has been at an all-time high, in spite of dodging my triggers, which isn't possible as this virus is EVERYWHERE. My friends are far away, family is far away, and while we get a moment here and there, it's definitely not the same as years before. I want to hug my cousins and overindulge in Bourbon balls, spend a week in Louisiana with my girlfriends and sit next to them where I can see the details of their eyes, smell their shampoo in their hair, compliment their clothes, and hold their new babies, etc. This year is shit. Next year will probably be shit, too, but hopefully not a full year of shit. All of that on top of grief is a lot. I miss Emily. I miss Dad, I miss life before death. I miss calling to ask a question that only she would know the answer to. I'm forever frustrated, but tomorrow is another day and it will be here soon.
No comments:
Post a Comment