Tuesday, March 20, 2018


I haven't talked about my dad or how he's doing in a while. He had surgery today to remove a tumor from his face. When he and Mom came to visit about two weeks ago, he had a lump the size of a grape on the side of his face near his ear. Mom sent me a picture today and it was as big as half a lemon. The surgery was scheduled for around 7:30 this morning and should have lasted about three hours, but he wasn't out until nearly 6 this evening. He's spending the night in the ICU since the procedure took so long. The surgeon had to cut a major nerve in order to remove the tumor, so it's going to affect his eye. The tumor would've affected his eye, too, so either way something was going to happen. He won't be able to blink on that side and will either need a special device to keep his eye moisturized, or he'll have to wear an eye patch. All Dad's lymph nodes looked normal, but a few had to be removed from his neck. There also doesn't appear to be cancer anywhere else according to the scans, so that's a relief.

Meanwhile, he's still suffering from memory loss and has his early dementia, so he's confused most of the time. I haven't been to see him in a while, but will probably take the kids over there next week once we're all feeling better. Zac's got a sore throat, and even Mom has a fever now. Dad doesn't always recognize me, so it's hard to be there with him. I know if I spend more time with him, he probably won't be so forgetful. I'll update when I know more.

Saturday, March 17, 2018

St. Patrick's Day 2018

We were sick this year, conveniently around the time we would normally go to New Orleans and see the Irish/Italian parade. We missed out on the fun and stayed home and I didn't get to cook my shepherd pie because I hadn't felt like cooking. However, since none of us were feeling sickly green today, we went out to run errands and wore green. I convinced Zac to take me to Home Depot so I could buy some soil and flowers and FINALLY get around to fixing up my window box planter in the front yard. I also picked out a bird feeder, but forgot to buy a bird bath. Zac has been wanting to attempt a DIY box garden, complete with door and roof made of chicken wire. It's much cheaper to build it ourselves than to buy it ready-made. I'm excited. We may have missed our time of planting, but according to the Internet, we have time to get tomatoes and peppers in the ground. I don't have much of a green thumb (lots of green, right?) so, I'm skeptical of my skills. But, playing in the dirt and planting my petunias was super awesome and I just want to keep digging. Walmart also has a tempting chicken coop that I'm leaning towards getting because all I want is a bunch of chickens. 
Yo ho, yo ho, the farmer's life for me.

Since the kiddos were so good and didn't get a disciplinary pinch from Mama Leprechaun, we treated them to some Bop's before heading home. I'm so glad they're feeling better. James still has a cough and I'm still getting rid of some funk in my throat, but we're okay. Zac has the beginning of a sore throat, but he, like Leah, doesn't stay sick for long. I'm just glad I went out and bought some meds because all of ours had expired... we just don't get sick often. Thankfully!

Tuesday, March 13, 2018


Leah picked up a fever last week and shared it with the rest of us, so we're a bit quarantined for now. I'm glad I'm off the rest of the week because I'd hate to call out. My throat hurts, but I don't have fever. James threw up this morning, but I think it was from his mucus drip. Today, the fevers finally went away for the boys. Elias has been super sweet and cheery, James has been in a good mood, though just tired, and Leah has been her normal, broody self. I just don't think she likes helping out, even though she's a good helper. She also lost a tooth, so maybe the money from the Tooth Fairy will influence a more positive attitude.

Sunday, March 4, 2018

Mostly Sad

Thirteen years of blogging as of today. Neat-o.

Zac missed work earlier this week because our car decided to die. He spent about seven hours at the repair shop so they could replace the starter, but that time also includes having the car towed to the shop, as well as having a locksmith come by to open the car because my exhausted husband accidentally locked our only key in the car. My keys were most likely stolen back in December, so we've been lazy-yet-careful with our only key. We did try to get a spare, but Walmart doesn't have the right model for our particular car and with us only having one car, it's been hard going out to get a spare made anywhere else. Did I mention we're also a little bit lazy?

Meanwhile, I've got Emily's car in my possession now, which is both depressing and good. However, some asshole busted out the back window before we went to pick it up. I'm just glad her ex-roommate was smart enough to put a tarp over the space before the rain came. So, now we have that looming over us and the car is not yet insured. I feel like I'm drowning just a bit. Add the second miscarriage and I almost feel like my sanity is being tested... especially since I didn't think I would miscarry after having a term pregnancy last, and I was letting myself get excited enough to tell everyone straight away.

To perk us up for the weekend, Zac and I went and filed our taxes, so that's one relief. We decided to go to Fernando's for lunch because it's been a while since we went out to eat, just us. However, I got choked up when our favorite waiter (he's served us for about 12 years now) asked about Emily and if she still worked at Walmart and I couldn't tell him she died because I felt my throat close up and my eyes started welling up. It was more, "She did work at Walmart," even though she worked at TJMaxx last, but he didn't know that and I still had to talk about her in the past tense, which I don't think will ever be easy.

I'm just sick of being so fucking sad all the time.

I'll turn this around with some pictures of the kids from yesterday when we went to work with Zac to help him catch up on some things he was unable to do when the car broke.

Tuesday, February 27, 2018

And as soon as it came, it went.

No sense in being vague. I miscarried this morning around 10am. I've been taking pregnancy tests frequently over the past week because I can no longer enjoy pregnancy and have to deal with paranoia (and for good reason, obviously) and yesterday, the words Not Pregnant appeared on my digital test. I took a cheap test before work last night and saw the faintest of lines, then another this morning with an even fainter line. Then I started cramping and the blood came and now I'm just a sad mass of sad. I'm not teaching today, so James and Leah are taking care of Elias for me. They're in James' room watching movies, so I'm going to stay in my bed and watch Roseanne and maybe play WoW to get my mind somewhere else for a little while.

Thursday, February 22, 2018

Cats and stuff

The kitties had an appointment to get their vaccinations, since they were too tiny and sick when we first got them. Everything is healthy with them, much to our relief. No parasites, no problems. Phew.

And in other news, we've got a surprise bundle due October 2018. Right now, there isn't much to report aside from being starving to death all the live long day. I've only told a handful of people like my parents and siblings. When I told my dad he's going to be a granddaddy again, he started crying.  It was sweet. I'm feeling emotional, myself. My little sister isn't here and this baby won't ever know Auntie Em. But, I'm staying positive and I hope this is a smooth pregnancy.

Monday, February 19, 2018


I've only worked one day this week, so the cabin fever set in. I convinced the fam to go on a walk behind the house because we all needed fresh air. Plus, it was the perfect overcast, gusty-but-not-cold weather.

Since Mardi Gras came and went too quickly, and since Mississippi doesn't celebrate such fun occasions, I baked a "homemade" king cake out of canned cinnamon rolls. Turned out great, but super rich. I plan to make another for Easter.

Wednesday, February 7, 2018

28 days hath February

Jena stayed with us over the weekend. She brought a king cake and we watched about five seasons of Friends. This year marks 30 years of friendship and we've decided to get symbolic tattoos at some point in the next few months. I've also decided on a tattoo for Emily, and would like to go ahead and get Elias', as well as the Deathly Hallows. Lots of fun inking to procure this year.

The kiddos are about halfway through the school year and I've started pricing next year's curriculum. I'm having a hard time accepting my eldest will be in the 7th grade this year (insert ugly-cry emoji here) and my baby is creeping out from toddlerhood. James and Leah have started reading more in their free time, much to my delight. I've had enough of the video game obsession, which has now been fully embraced by Elias. All day long, "Mayocot!" which roughly translates to Mario Kart. He doesn't exactly play the game, but he'll watch the cars go via automatic acceleration. He likes books, as well, and has started quoting The Gruffalo and Room on the Broom, both of which are his favorites. A while back I purchased some classics from Target's clearance section for about $1 each, so James has already read Anne of Green Gables, The Time Machine, and Treasure Island. Leah has read Legend of Sleepy Hollow, and is working on Little Women. They're broken down so young children can read them and get the plot of the story without getting distracted by too many large words.

Work has been slow, so I've been home more. I finally got around to putting pictures of the kids around the house and getting rid of more stuff. Alex is giving me Emily's car, so I'm going to try to turn in the paperwork early next week, as well as file our taxes. So many adult chores to accomplish. But at least I crocheted a bunch of macarons, right? #productive

Monday, January 22, 2018

Grief vent

I haven't really written much about Emily even though I've wanted to. I am always thinking about her and I go through really difficult days when I want more than anything to call her and hear her voice. I've been sadder this week, which makes it difficult to predict how I'll feel next week. I cry on ocassion, but not for long periods of time. It's lonelier, in spite of having people around me. There was just a different bond we had and I don't have that with anyone else. I talk about her now and then when the opportunity presents itself, but I don't feel like I've got anyone who can relate to me. I've been feeling angry with people for going on with their lives and not caring that my sister died.

I know that's not what they're doing, but it feels like that sometimes.

I had to send messages to people on Facebook in order to get addresses for Christmas cards. I simply wrote, "Hey, can I have your address? We're going to send out cards this year. Thanks!" The response I received in return the most was "Hey, sorry I haven't talked to you. I didn't know what to say." It makes me feel annoyed, but I'm not sure if I shouldn't be. Should I be? I don't always know what to say, but I'd rather say something completely generic and stupid than nothing at all. But then I get annoyed when people who weren't even friends with her or talked to her try to tell me they're so depressed and sad because they miss her so much. It reminds me of when I miscarried and someone offered me words of comfort by telling me she knew how I felt because she had an abortion.

I am fairly certain I create an awkward space around me. The people I talk to know she's gone, yet they don't bring her up because they fear it will upset me. But, so what? If I get upset, doesn't that mean that I am grieving her? Doesn't that mean I still love her and wish so much she was still here and not in a tiny urn on my shelf? It doesn't mean I don't want to ever say her name out loud again. All that bothers me is that I have to say things like "She liked" "She used to" "She would've". 

Grief just sucks and I don't know how to navigate through it because every time I ask for directions, I'm told, "I don't know, ask that guy over there". 

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

More Snow?

We got a bit more snow over the weekend, so Zac was able to come home early. The temperature actually dropped to a whopping 11 degrees, much to the delight of my joints. I hate being cold, even though I love the snow. Well, I love looking at the snow through a frosty window, from beneath the warmth of my heated blanket, over the rim of my hot tea, inside my cozy house. My kids, on the other hand, can't get enough of it.