Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Another Day

I went to work yesterday. Lots of new candles and soaps are out, so nothing is familiar. I broke down a few times, but told them I'd keep it together and finish my shift. They're all so supportive, though, which is one of the reasons I love my job. It's just hard going back to "normal" when nothing is "normal". I feel guilt and anger and regret and sadness and all the other things bereavement brings. It's going to get easier. I know it is. But, that relief feels so far away. Everything smells of her. She loved the glitter mist and it's like part of her is there.

My birthday passed. Zac's did, too. Emily came over for my birthday and gave me a three-tier pumpkin snow globe. She had been holding onto it for at least two months. Then her memorial was on Zac's birthday, two weeks later.

The memorial was nice, though the "viewing" day was a nightmare. I didn't go. I knew I'd never be able to go and it was something she and I had talked about in the event she died. I was being pushed by my siblings and mother to go see her "one last time". They used guilt and even tried to corner Jena, Zac, and Alex to convince me to go. What would seeing her do? Would it bring closure to me? Would I feel at peace? Fuck no. There is no closure in her death. Closure means you close it off, you're done. Over it. I won't be over this as long as I'm living. I won't have peace with her gone. I'm going to be sad. I won't always grieve, but the sadness will stay with me. Maybe the anger will, too. That's all I'm feeling right now: anger and sadness.

Mom brought over a few of Emily's things this morning. It was hard going through them, but I decided to keep the knitting needles I gave her and some balls of yarn, but gave Leah the nail polish. There are more boxes, but Mom's going to try to rent a Uhaul sometime in the near future. Alex is going to come by when he's ready to take anything back home.

Meanwhile, the days are going by and I'm sad and there hasn't been much to write about right now. Bear with me.

Thursday, November 16, 2017


I am standing upon that foreshore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails in the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength and I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come down to mingle with each other. Then someone at my side says, "There! She's gone!"
"Gone where?"
"Gone from my sight, that's all."
She is just as large in mast and spar and hull as ever she was when she left my side; just as able to bear her load of living freight to the place of her destination. Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at that moment when someone at my side says, "There! She's gone!" there are other eyes watching her coming and other voices ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!"

I lost my beautiful baby sister yesterday. A Wednesday. She struggled for years with depression and mental illness and it became too much for her sweet soul to bear. In her world of so much darkness, she always reflected light. I am so lost without her and don't know how I will get through the rest of my life without my best friend by my side. She was forever loved, she'll be forever missed. Rest peacefully, my love, until I see you again.

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Halloween 2017

Happy Halloween!

Emily, and our friends, Mike and Ashley, came over with their three adorable little boys. We had tons of pizza and went trick-or-treating in the neighborhood. We didn't get many trick-or-treaters, so I've got a large cauldron full of candy... most of which is still there, but I won't lie... I've got my own stash hidden away. I've also tucked a bit away for stockings.

You'll notice my smallest is not a hot dog. He refused to put on his costume, so I dug James' old "skelly-bones" suit out of the baby box and he fit into it enthusiastically and perfectly. He also braved his first time going up to the doors and holding his bucket high to receive treats. He even bypassed a lovely green-haired witch to ask a freakishly convincing Michael Myers for candy, while completely disregarding the large, plastic knife being wielded in said-murderer's hand. No joke, I hesitated going up the driveway. Spooky spooky spooky.

Sunday, October 29, 2017

Kittens 2.0

A few weeks ago, Karen mentioned she had a few kittens free-to-good-home. Zac and I were both in agreement that losing Figgy was devastating and we definitely wanted another cat, but only after the grief subsided a bit. Karen's kittens arrived in perfect time. We've named them Colby-Jack and Monty (Montery Jack, obviously) because they're cheesy names and we've got a theme of food names with human nicknames. They're super sweet little fellas. Colby is incredibly playful, while Monty is more of a snuggler. They have bonded with Toby and Ruby without issues, and they're fitting in just perfectly.

Sunday, October 22, 2017

Ghosts in the Oaks 2017

We surprised the kiddos with a trip to Ghosts in the Oaks this year. They had so much fun last year, so it only seemed perfect. We met up with Katie and Spencer at a playground near City Park and were able to hang out for a while. James and Leah were so happy to see Spencer. Elias was more excited about the swans.

We had a lot of fun, for the most part. Elias was too small to ride anything except a truck-on-a-track, so I cramped myself next to him a few times. James was too big for a few of the more fun rides, so Leah rode alone. However, they didn't seem as bothered by it as I was. Next year, I'm hoping we can do something else locally and with a bigger variety of rides.

Monday, October 16, 2017

Pumpkin Patch

The homeschool group invited us on a field trip to the Mitchell Farms Pumpkin Patch. Zac and I brought the kids with the church two years ago so I was excited to go back. Zac couldn't come with us, but we still had fun. Bonus: it was sweater weather!

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Wave of Light

For my little pumpkin I never met. It's been four years, but I still think of you and miss you every day.

Friday, October 13, 2017

11 years later

Happy 11th anniversary to my favorite husband, best friend, and papa to our three little weirdos.

Friday, September 29, 2017

Living History Exhibition

This morning, I brought Zac to work so I could keep the car and take the kids to Canton on a homeschool field trip at the Madison county jail. It was fairly interesting. Our first station was about different types of plows and tractors over the years. Slightly boring, but not too bad. James and Leah lost interest almost immediately. The second stop was a dairy cow with two calves. Elias was over the moon (pun intended) to see the "ows" up close, but grabbed on to me every time they mooed.

Our third stop was to listen to an Andrew Jackson impersonator. He had a pretty neat revolver and showed how to load the gun powder. He was impressed with James' knowledge of how to start a fire with flint and steel, thanks to his hours of Minecraft game time. Next, we looked at some Choctaw jewelry and handmade clothing, learned about the history of lacrosse, and browsed some pretty awesome-looking handmade brooms carved from cactus roots.

We stopped by a blacksmith station and he turned a horseshoe into a heart. I think the kids were most impressed by how hot the furnace had to be.

The kiddos were able to participate in manual corn shucking, as well as grinding kernels into flour.  Apparently, it takes 30 minutes to grind one cup of corn flour and a few hours to get a pound. We also learned about smocking, quilting, and watched a woman spin wool into yarn (and now I want to buy my own spinning wheel and a few sheep).

Our last booth was about bees and honey and while we were listening to the beekeeper talk about safety, he was stung right on the lip by a yellow jacket. It was crazy. We ended up eating lunch in the car because Leah was terrified of being stung if we sat outside.

I managed to get us home in time to lay Elias down for a quick nap, then we picked Zac up and went to get frozen yogurt.