Christmas 2020

Christmas came up relatively quick this year. I dunno if it's from being cooped inside and our usual routine has been thrown out or what. It's a little bit nuts that last year, everything was normal, we were hugging our friends and exchanging gifts with family, and completely optimistic of 2020 and what it would bring. Buncha suckers.

Christmas Eve was not a good day. The kids were fighting, I was on the receiving end of large quantities of teenage backtalk and toddler tantrums that my emotions overflowed into my lap probably three times. I was overwhelmed with trying to make things feel "magical" while trying to avoid grief feelings and the whole day was shitty. I made chili, which was easy and quick and felt more comforting than struggling to peel boiled eggs. I also made Zac and myself stockings while he wrapped gifts. After a hot shower, my mood lifted slightly and I baked homemade gingerbread cookies. Mom came over and visited for a bit, the kids opened their stockings and their gifts from Jena, then had a few cookies before bed. It was a struggle getting them to actually get in the bed, as they weren't in the mood to listen. The boys went just fine, but the big two... I dunno. I was *this close* to cancelling Christmas.
Deep breaths.
Christmas resumed.
Alcohol helped.

This morning, we were abruptly (though expectedly) awoken by a small voice exclaiming, "OH. MY GLOB," followed by our five-year-old bounding into our room and onto our bed, saying, "Santa brought the presents into the house! They're under the tree! Come see them!" That kiddo brings his own magic to our family, for sure. Leah woke up shortly after, Zac made coffee, and I spent some time telling most of my contacts "Merry Christmas". It was freezing this morning to where the bucket of rain water was frozen over well past 2pm. It rained most of yesterday so the ground was sloshy and not snowy, much to our disappointment. I assume Santa heard "wet Christmas" when I asked for "white Christmas". Oh well, maybe next year. Everyone was happy with their gifts... mostly candy. I ate way too many sweets and felt restless for a bit, then had a nap around 7pm. Awesome. I think my favorite gift is my weighted blanket. Here's hoping my anxiety eases at night. 

Anyway, Happy Holidays and hopefully next year is less isolated and full of hugs.

Biscuit

Leah's hamster, Biscuit, died tonight. Last year she developed torpor from having her cage near the patio door and it was cold outside, so Zac spent half an hour or so warming her by the electric heater until she was back to her regular self. This morning, she was feeling cold, but limp and breathing, so I spent some time trying to warm her up. She seemed sleepy, but was breathing alright and occasionally opened her eyes to look around. I told Leah not to worry and we cleaned the kitchen. After about an hour or so, Leah told me Biscuit hadn't moved and she was feeling worried. So, I checked on her and moved her little house she was under and her little body was stiff and cold. Leah was upset and I gave her some space to grieve, then put Biscuit in the freezer to keep her safe until we could bury her. It sucks. I'm sad for my girl, but just a little relieved as we've got five other pets and four kids, so... You know. She was a sweet hamster, though.

Dental stuff.

I was able to get my temporary crown today. My dentist called me yesterday and had an opening, so I jumped on it. There was a new girl and she accidentally numbed the wrong side because there was a handwriting misunderstanding. However, the correct side was numbed before they started and the anesthesia started wearing off right when they were finishing up. My mouth is sore, but nothing I'm not used to from previous sessions. And I didn't have any cavities! I go back in January for my permanent crown.

City Park

This morning, we made a spontaneous trip to New Orleans to meet up with Katie and her kids so we could bring her some posters she ordered through Zac. I'm still waiting on packages from last week, so I didn't want to risk anything happening if we decided to mail hers. So instead, we just drove out there for the day. The USPS is nuts right now.

We met up at Cafe Du Monde and had some beignets while a performer with purple hair created enormous bubbles. The kids really enjoyed that. Spencer, Jac, and Leah climbed trees while Elias and Jacob chased each other. Baby Aliza was so smiley and sweet! We mostly caught up on gossip and walked around, pushing strollers. City Park was setting up for Christmas, so we were able to see a few props. I had stopped at Walmart to get a pair of shoes for Cole because after being in the car for a while, I figured he'd want to walk. Luckily, he wore himself out and slept most of the way home. I'm so glad we took the trip. It felt like a relief to be around a friend and pretend things were normal.

Dentist

I got a call from my dentist yesterday that they had an opening and would I be interested in a cleaning. Um, yes. I was supposed to go back in March, but the pandemic happened (is happening?) so it was postponed. With my periodontitis, I'm supposed to go every six months, so of course today's cleaning left my gums super bloody and sore. Also, bonus, I've got a crack in my upper right molar between my current crowns. So, next month, I'll be getting Crown Four. Lovely.

Christmas is two weeks away, which is nuts. I'm still waiting for some Amazon deliveries to get here and they're delayed, so I'm doing that thing where I'm stalking my tracking numbers and obsessing over the mail. All four kiddos are outside right now playing on the swing set, so it's quiet and I should be cleaning something but I'm just enjoying the silence.

Christmas Month

I've always wondered why there are 12 days of Christmas when there should be 25. Who picked 12 and why? The cold and quarantine is getting to me a bit, but the numbers are rising here and I'm just trying to stay in more and occupy myself.

Anyhoo. It's December, obviously, and I just (TODAY) finished my shopping, quarantine style. Mostly online. Zac has to go out today to buy canvas supplies so I can paint Ashley something, but other than that, I'm done.

It looks and feels like Christmas in the house. Cold and colorful. It's cold outside, also, but not enough to snow. We're getting a lot of rain, which sucks because of the mud. I'm trying to do workouts in my bedroom since biking makes my joints scream, so there's that. I hate how brief the autumn weather was. It felt like hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hotter, hotter, hot, cool, hot, cold, cold. I want to move north so the seasons are predictable.

Cole is TWO!

My littlest pumpkin is officially a two-year-old! No longer a baby, no longer a burrito. He welcomed his brand new year with a tantrum that lasted roughly four hours, a nap that lasted roughly four minutes, and day that lasted roughly forever. HOWEVER, while the day started off negatively, it ended well. I attempted to make cake pops, but the batter was too soft and the sticks fell through, so I rolled them in sugar and they were cakey doughnut balls. The kids loved them, but ugh. They sucked (lol).

At two, he still doesn't say much, aside from "ball", "book", "meow", "bug", "beans", and "mama". Lots of B words, but no sentences. Most of the B words sound similar, so it depends on the context to decipher which one. I'm not too worried. Jac was a late-talker.

He loves dinosaurs, beans, taking baths and splashing, playing peek-a-boo/hide-and-seek, climbing on everything, and doing a lot by himself. He doesn't like being told "no" and isn't the best listener. He also thinks if he holds his toys above his head, it keeps others from taking them. He's helpful and claps for himself, blows kisses, and is assertive. I see a lot of my dad in him, but also his own little sweet self. These two years have flown by, but I look forward to many more with him.

Thanksgiving 2020

We spent most of the day cooking. I made a list of foods that sounded good, but it's so much work to make food. I told him we should order pizza for Christmas. Ha!

Anyway. Mom was supposed to come over, but she had to work, so it was just us. It was a relaxing, though busy, day. I'm so glad we're not going out of town this year. I know it can't be helped, but at the same time, I'm happy to be home. Plus, I'm not ready to leave the kittens home alone just yet. The kids watched the Macy parade on TV, we listened to Christmas music, and just enjoyed being home.

I'm truly thankful we haven't caught covid (yet, but hopefully ever). We know people who've had it and recovered, but also a few who died from it. It sucks and this year is a shitty one, but I'm thankful we've been lucky so far.

I'm thankful to have this little family. Thankful my house is messy because my kids are home, thankful the cats can't reach my tree, and thankful for a best friend/papa like Zac who loves his kids and me the way he does.

Zac is 35!

Happy birthday, my delightful darling! All this guy wanted was a pecan pie. We love him to pieces.

Three years later and time keeps going

I woke up feeling much better than I have in the previous years on this day. I went out alone to keep myself distracted. I find that Christmas decorations help immensely at keeping my mind off death and focused on what I guess I'll refer to as "hope". It was sweater weather, clear blue sky, and I wore my Pardon My French sweatshirt that I bought when she came with me to buy jeans a few years ago. On my way home, I guess my emotions caught up to me because I hadn't really felt anything prior to today. The day looms over me all year and I know it's coming, but I push it down and focus on other things (super healthy, I know). So, of course I had a breakdown in the car. However, it felt like some relief. Maybe I just needed to have a good cry. I've been super stressed out with this entire dumpster of a year, my anxiety has been at an all-time high, in spite of dodging my triggers, which isn't possible as this virus is EVERYWHERE. My friends are far away, family is far away, and while we get a moment here and there, it's definitely not the same as years before. I want to hug my cousins and overindulge in Bourbon balls, spend a week in Louisiana with my girlfriends and sit next to them where I can see the details of their eyes, smell their shampoo in their hair, compliment their clothes, and hold their new babies, etc. This year is shit. Next year will probably be shit, too, but hopefully not a full year of shit. All of that on top of grief is a lot. I miss Emily. I miss Dad, I miss life before death. I miss calling to ask a question that only she would know the answer to. I'm forever frustrated, but tomorrow is another day and it will be here soon.

25 again

Another year older. This morning was awful because pre-teens are the worst when it comes to attitudes. They didn't understand why I didn't want to clean a kitchen or wash laundry, or fold laundry, or pick up toys, or cook breakfast. But guess what? I did it anyway because today is Thursday and it's also why I don't make a big deal out of my birthday. All I wanted to do was go to Target and smell candles and maybe buy shit I don't need. You know what I did? On my birthday? I bought Christmas gifts for the brats I call my children. Yup. I did. I didn't even get Starbucks on my way out. I did find a musical Eiffel Tower water globe, though. I've been looking for one for quite some time and got lucky. I met up with Jena and she gave me a bag of gifts. It was nice getting out of the house for a little while. I even stopped at Bath & Body Works to smell candles and spritz myself with Winter Candy Apple. It was nice. When I got home, Zac surprised me with a carrot cake from Nothing Bundt Cakes. It made my night so nice.

Halloween 2020

Happy Halloween! What a bizarre year so far. It almost feels silly to dress up. However, it was still fun. We carved some pumpkins, took a walk in our costumes, and were even beckoned to grab some candy from a few neighbors. Elias was the only one in a mask and gloves, so he was the only one allowed to bring the candy bucket up to the houses. He said it was the best Halloween ever and I'm trying to channel his enthusiasm until this virus is under control.