Happy Halloween, folks. It rained, so after dressing in costumes and driving out to the local neighborhood, the clouds broke and we were caught in a downpour. The mini-monsters weren't too disappointed, especially after we made a trip to GAC for a cookie, picked up a few bags of candy at Walmart, and brought home a pizza. We spent the evening indoors, surrounded by evened-out piles of candy, and Casper on the TV.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Monday, October 28, 2013
Zac and I spent the weekend at my parents' house. It was so cold Friday night when we arrived, so Mom let us turn on her fireplace. Rachel is spending some time with her mom, so she and the two boys weren't there, but the kids were happy to play with Abbi. The poor girl has both arms broken from having a nasty fall at school about a week ago. She doesn't have a cast like James', so she can move both arms just fine.
We had a great visit, even though Dad lost himself in a book. Neither cable nor Internet was working, so we just hung out. I didn't mind, to be honest. Emily and I spent a lot of time together.
I sent Alex and Zac to the grocery on Saturday morning to pick up our traditional OctoberFeast needs and spent most of the day with Emily baking and cooking. Even the kids participated. Dad brought our car to get it fixed and spent more than enough of his own money, somewhat to my disapproval. I told him that we were going to fix it ourselves with Zac's bonus at the end of the month, but I think he feels more at peace that he was able to witness it for himself. Since Zac didn't help with cooking, I had him bathe the kids for me. James loved Mom's bathtub, but Leah freaked out when the jets were turned on. Meanwhile, Abbi braided my hair. She taught herself how to do all sorts of different braids.
Emily finally finished her Harley Quinn costume and let Zac take pictures of her for her Facebook page. He also took a few fall pictures of the kids and some anniversary pictures of Emily and Alex. Alex took a few of Zac and me since we haven't really had a picture of just us taken in so long.
James was stung on his foot by a bee Sunday morning, so our trip back home was postponed about an hour so he could be monitored in case he was allergic. Luckily, he's not, but he was in pain for quite a while. I'm not even sure what happened. One minute he's on the trampoline, begging me to throw a giant beach ball at him and even though I told him to keep his shoes on, he trotted through the grass in his socks to get the ball. The next thing I hear is him shouting "Ouch!" over and over. It looked as though he was poked with a stick or something, but after a few minutes, he started crying and the spot was swollen. It was a crazy few minutes trying to find baking soda in the very unorganized kitchen, while the cable guy was trying to fix the cable with James screeching in the background.
I told my parents goodbye and thanks for fixing the car and we headed to southern Mississippi to meet with a woman named Cynthia and pick up our new addition. Her name is Ruby and she's half-pug, half-Boston terrier. She whines when she needs to poop, so it's convenient when figuring out when she needs to go out. She also likes to snuggle, which is awesome for me. It's therapeutic, in a way, having her and taking care of her. Ruby woke me up every two hours last night, which is about like a newborn. I changed her puppy pads and shushed her back to sleep for the next two hours. She doesn't replace the baby I lost, but she does fill the void and gives my maternal longing a satisfying outlet.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
October 15th is Remembrance Day for pregnancy loss, be it miscarriage, SIDS, or stillbirth. I lit a candle last year for the friends who lost babies, but this year, it's for me, too. Not that a stupid candle can give my baby back to me... I feel like I'm drowning.
Every day is an awareness day to me. I'm fully aware that I'm no longer pregnant and it feels terrible to be reminded of such when I find New Baby coupons and information in the mailbox. Blood is another reminder of how my body is trying to remove any evidence that a baby ever existed. I'm sick of seeing it. I've started using the bathroom in the dark so I don't have to.
I'm up and down, emotionally. I'll be fine, then suddenly be in tears. I'll be playing with my kids and then I remember, "Oh yeah, I'll never get to do these things with that baby." It's a roller coaster with no end in sight.
Sunday, October 13, 2013
I miscarried my baby last night.
I had just posted that last entry, sat back in the green chair and felt a sudden gush of fluid. I wasn't cramping, but I went to the bathroom and there was bright red blood. So much blood. I freaked out, Zac came in to hold me and I called the clinic. I tried to not imagine the worst, but that's impossible when I'm laying in bed, knowing there's nothing I can do about it. I cried a lot. I gave myself a headache. Around 7, I went to the bathroom. I put a cup under me, just in case. I'm glad I did because the sac came out. A small sac, as small as a dime, and then my body felt "better". I was empty and my body was relieved. How inconsiderate of me to feel a sense of relief during a tsunami of overwhelming grief I've only heard of.
The few people who knew about my pregnancy were the only ones I told I miscarried. I reached out for support, not sure what to expect and I received so much support. I'm grateful to my few friends for being there while being so far away.
I'm sad. Devastated. Heartbroken. Empty.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Zac and I brought the kids on our usual Saturday errands. We stopped at PetsMart and picked out a baby Betta, a multicolored dragon scale breed. It's much smaller than the ones we've had in the past, so I'm hoping for a longer life-span. Bettas are my absolute favorite fish.
We drove around looking for pumpkin patches and found a nice one with fair prices. The kids picked out their own and I found a small one for Baby. I don't think we're carving them, but they make cute centerpieces. I'm going to Walmart later this week to buy larger pumpkins to carve.
I brought the kids with me to the Pregnancy Center yesterday so we could watch one of the many videos lined up for us until 30 weeks. If I watch all the videos, I can qualify for a free, brand new car seat and base (which we really need). The videos are educational and James has become more curious about the whole process of baby-making. Well, babies coming out, to be specific. We haven't had to talk about what actual sex is yet. I'm not sugar-coating anything, but I'm not giving him graphic details either.
I'm waiting to hear back from my insurance so I can set up my first prenatal appointment. I check for blood every time I use the bathroom, just in case. I might be paranoid, but it's a realistic possibility. I know Baby's in there, every time I feel sick or tired or hungry and it's reassuring. A heartbeat would be even more reassuring, though.
Meanwhile, I haven't been posting my cakes, so here's a ton:
Sunday, October 6, 2013
My parents and Abbi came to town yesterday and are leaving today. The kiddos were up before 8am on a Saturday to wait for them to arrive.
We've had a nice visit, aside from Mom sleeping most of the time. We went out to eat and drove through Tropical Storm Karen to get to the Lakeside mall (the good mall) and Leah picked out a unicorn costume. There are so many cute newborn clothes... Mom said to wait just a bit longer before making any baby purchases, but the urge is strong.
This morning, I worked at GAC, decorating a few cakes and trying to avoid eating any cookies. I've been thinking about quitting B&BW... It's not something I fully want to do, but I don't like driving out to Slidell once a month, spending more on gas than I'm making per check. It's not logical. If Zac can get the graphic design job he applied for last week, I can see about transferring back to B&BW in Mississippi. If it doesn't happen fast enough, I can quit and just reapply. The transfer messed up my raise anyway, so I'm not worried about losing it. All I want is for Zac to get his job and I'll do what I can to help out, even if it's a completely different job.
I have to work in Slidell tonight and I'm not looking forward to it. All of the current employees have to rearrange the entire store for new products and displays and updated bottles and all that stuff. I'm good at it, and they know that, but I don't have the energy. Over the next couple of months I'm going to have even less energy.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Mom called me through FaceTime and we were talking about them coming to visit this weekend. I had mentioned to the kids not to say anything about the baby, but Leah just announces, "I'm gonna be a big sister!" Both of my parents were silent for a minute. I wasn't expecting a positive reaction from them, but they were excited and supportive. Mom said I broke a curse because Rachel's baby is "unlucky 13", but I don't believe in superstition, hence my getting married on a Friday the 13th. I feel better, now that my parents know. I'm not sure how to go about telling everyone else, or if it's something I'm required to do. I guess I feel obligated to make it official, but I might wait until I get an ultrasound or do the 12-week-wait. I had to Google when first ultrasounds are done because I haven't been pregnant in so long and can't even remember. Many results said eight weeks, so I've got a while to wait.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
The kids started school yesterday. James is in 2nd grade and Leah is in Kindergarten. I'm surprised how easy it is teaching both of them. They're really liking the material and I'm making it seem fun (I think). They don't take very long to get their work done, either. I think today we spent less than three hours doing today's lesson.
I want to do so many projects, especially for the holidays. I'm going to check the craft section at Walmart to find some easy things to make and hopefully get the kids into it. Neither one want to do any type of music or singing, but I think the Alphabet song is going to be essential for Leah.