Yesterday was Emily's birthday. She'd have been 35. I didn't want to think about her birthday, even though it was all I could think about for the past 9 days. I was doing fine that morning. I hung out with the kids and did some housework. I was irritable, but kept telling myself to be patient, grief was to blame and I was pushing it down. I clean best when I'm irritable or sad, basically any emotion except happy (haha). Around noon, I played around on my laptop and found myself on Emily's Facebook, and out of nowhere I felt my emotions get the better of me. I hid out in my room for a little while, having a good cry and letting my grief do its thing. I felt better after.
I called Odom's to see if I could get Jac a replacement pair of frames for his glasses since Cole decided to break the ear pieces off his current ones. Luckily, they said come on in. I piled the kids in the van and got them out of the house for about an hour. Jac likes his temporary frames. While we were waiting, a woman pulled up next to us in the parking lot. I don't normally pay attention to the people around me in their own cars doing their own thing, but I noticed she had a baby in her lap. But it wasn't a baby baby. It was a reborn doll. I had my sunglasses on, so I kinda looked at her longer than what would be polite without my sunglasses, but I was mostly fascinated. I come across YouTube videos of women bringing their reborns out in public and doing typical mom things with their dolls. It's interesting. I wondered if maybe she was carrying her own grief and her reborn was her coping mechanism.
I got home and fixed lunch for the kids, then hung out on the sofa playing Animal Crossing while the kids watched TV. Zac got home around 5:30 and I got up to meet him in the kitchen. I felt a sharp pain (kinda the norm for me these days) in my side. I ignored it and did the usual "how was your day" stuff. The pain in my side increased to uncomfortable and I told Zac I was gonna go lay down for a little while. I laid flat, trying not to let my anxiety make me feel worse. After about an hour, it was to the point where I couldn't lay still. My lower right side of my abdomen sent sharp pains and if I pressed where my appendix was located, the pain increased. I felt sick and started worrying to where I had a full-blown anxiety attack and started shaking. My temperature was fine and I wasn't feeling any air moving around. After a little while, the pain eased up and I went to sleep around 9. At midnight, I woke up in pain. Zac was still awake next to me and I told him I thought something was wrong. I could feel what felt like a small bulge on my lower right and the right area of my back hurt. I basically had symptoms of appendicitis, so after another anxiety attack, he agreed to take me to the ER. I couldn't stand up straight without feeling sharp pains, so he helped me get my shoes on and told Jac we'd be back soon. Jac wanted to stay up til we got back, so he enjoyed his night owl time.
I got to the ER, filled out some paper work and was told Zac wouldn't be allowed back there with me because of covid. So, after I was called to the room, he went out to sit in the car. First guy came in, asked me some questions. Second guy came in and pressed around on my belly (much to my agony). Lady nurse came in and was so super nice. She took some blood, then started my IV with morphine and Zofran to get me comfortable. Morphine is weird. I'd never had it before. Almost immediately I felt like I was floating. I kept thinking about Dad because that's all he had towards the end. I started feeling nauseated, then uncomfortably relaxed. Zac texted to check on me and with the IV, I couldn't text very well. I called him and told him I felt weird and loopy. The next thing I remember, the nurse was waking me up and telling Zac on my phone he could come in (that she doesn't normally allow it, but needed him to keep me awake). Apparently, I told Zac the room was spinning and then went silent, then the heart monitor started beeping like crazy because my hear rate was dropping, so the nurse had to run back in and wake me up. Zac was calling out to me through my phone, so the nurse told him what was going on. After a while, my pain subsided and I was taken to get a CT scan of my abdomen. They injected some dye into my IV, which felt super warm and kinda like I peed on myself. It was a strange sensation. After that, I got taken back to the room to wait for results. I kept dozing off, but I had Zac read to me to keep me alert.
Around 3am, I was given my results. Constipation, probably from my anxiety. I felt embarrassed and shocked and confused because how the fuck can that be it? With the amount of pain I was in, how was it something completely opposite of what I imagined? I drink so much water, I don't eat meat, etc. I was aggravated, yet relieved because I really didn't want surgery. So, I've got some prescriptions to hopefully help me feel better within a few days.
I spent some time at Mom's this afternoon after I picked up my meds. The kids played and watched TV while I drank a few bottles of water and tried to relax. I forgot to bring Cole's diaper bag, so after he took a nap in Mom's lap, we headed home. I'm feeling less anxious, but frustrated, and I'm starting to wonder if the pains I was having back in March was early signs of this? I'm just glad my results were all normal and it's an "easy fix". I blame my anxiety. It wasn't as bad until Emily died and then it's slowly progressed to WTF level. I'm considering therapy and possibly meds... though I really don't want to take meds. I dunno. We'll see.
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