Beach Trip 2018

We made it to the beach on Friday! Carlton and Meredith's dad owns a condo in Alabama and he let us stay there. The view was nice, overlooking the ocean. We wasted no time slathering on sunblock and heading to the sand. The big kids were eager to jump into the waves. Last year, they were too timid. Elias has been irritatingly fearless, preferring to sit in the shallow water and let the waves crash into his face over and over again while refusing to stand up or jump over them. He's quite the beach baby. Leah spent her time looking for shells in the deeper water, while Jac dug up some small clams and Elias split his time between building a sand castle and splashing in the water. I was very drowsy from taking some Benadryl during our drive because my allergies decided to attack me all day, so I sat on a towel and watched the fam enjoy themselves.

For dinner, we tried out a restaurant called The Shrimp Basket and I ordered a virgin piña colada (and so did both big kids) to go with my catfish. I was only a little disappointed that my drink tasted more like a snoball than a beverage, but our waitress was super sweet and the food was great. It was after 10pm with three very wide-awake children, so we made a quick run for groceries and supplies before calling it a night.

* * * * *

Zac woke up early Saturday morning and spotted some dolphins within view, so I got up to see them, then decided to get the kids up, too. There were maybe five of them grouped up catching fish. Zac and I enjoyed our decaf coffee on the balcony before heading out to buy sandals for the kids, sunglasses and a beach chair for me to sit on, as well as some I-need-these goggles. I also found a shot glass for Emily's birthday, but didn't see a snow globe worth a purchase. Most of them were broken, loose, or had murky water. We also bought a kite, which turned out to be a good purchase. After lunch at Dairy Queen, we slathered on more sunblock (the spray this time, much easier and quicker to apply than lotion) and headed back down to the beach. I was very happy to have my chair and shady umbrella. I did get up and walk in the waves a bit, but mostly stayed under my umbrella until the sun moved behind the condo. Elias and Leah took turns flying the kite and Jac looked for more clams. He managed to find 40! Zac bought them a basket of beach toys, so collecting shells and clams was much easier.

After a few hours, we headed to the pool. Elias started shivering, so we switched to the indoor pool/hot tub. I've had bathwater hotter than the hot tub temperature, so I sunk right in. Even Elias warmed up and enjoyed the jets. We ate leftovers for dinner and I sent Zac on a quick run to Little New Orleans for soup and gumbo.

* * * * *

I woke up at 4:15 Sunday morning. Not sure what triggered it, but I couldn't fall back asleep. Zac woke up around 5:15 and checked the time, so we ended up talking about our trip. He had even set an alarm so we could wake up early to watch the sun rise. Lucky for us, we had been awake long enough that getting out of bed was easy. Zac made coffee and we sat outside on the balcony watching a group of pelicans catch fish. It was a pretty lazy morning. I think it was a vacation crash or something. We ate cinnamon rolls and the kids relaxed on the furniture and none of us really felt like doing much for a few hours. We eventually headed out to the beach and, in spite of coating us in sunblock, all of us managed to get sunburned. Luckily, the burns aren't horrible, but mildly irritating. The kids enjoyed building sand castles and a kind stranger gave them a live hermit crab with a teeny red crab hitching a ride. They were reluctant to set it free, but said their goodbyes as it scuttled away so we could head to the pool for a little while. Elias only had one meltdown (literally melting and laying down on the sand) because he had to wait before knocking over a sand castle.

A few years back, Mom came with us to the beach and brought us to a hibachi restaurant called Mikato. We went again this time and the shrimp was probably the best I've ever eaten. Our chef was super nice, too. He even had a scorpion tattoo like ours. I'm at that stage of pregnancy where I have to take a walk after I eat or my food just sits there and makes me feel sick, so after dinner, we walked to Target to look at some Halloween decorations and buy some candy for the ride home (or back to the condo, either way). The kids went to bed a little early, so Zac and I watched Friends and tried to finish the jigsaw puzzle we found in a cabinet, but many of the pieces were missing. Oh well.

* * * * *

The dryer wasn't drying so well, so packing to head home on Monday took longer than I wanted. Most of our clothes had to lay out on the patio table to dry in the sun. Zac and I enjoyed our last morning sipping coffee and watching the waves while the kiddos slept in before we loaded up our rental and made the trip home. We stopped at a souvenir shop on our way out and I actually found Elias' and Cole's names on little wooden surf boards (Elias and Nicolas). They also had Leah's, but not Jac's. I asked an employee if they had any in storage, but nope. So Jac and Leah got some stickers of their names instead. Basically all of the Jac's were sold out. We bought some fudge for Mom and some saltwater taffy for Alex (a reference to a Friends episode "The One with the Birthing Video"). I'm glad we made it home, but I'll definitely miss having Zac around so much when he goes off to work this week, as well as feeling lazy about getting back to our school routine.

Emily

It's Emily's 33rd should-be birthday today, so I'm definitely feeling that knot in my throat and the heartache in my chest. I know I want to accept whatever emotions come, but they're wanting me to burst into tears randomly and I just don't want to, at least not freely. I still hate that she's not here and I hate I can't tell her happy birthday or see her anymore or even hug her. I know she'd like the shot glass we bought her from Orange Beach, but I hate she can't touch it. It'll just sit by her picture with her little urn and her few Harley Quinn things we bought her for her last Christmas with us.

I came across a quote:

"The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not 'get over' the loss of a loved one: you will learn to live with it. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to." - Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.

I am trying to live with my grief... I just don't like it. It feels like a stray cat that meows at my window to be fed, but it isn't a cat I want the responsibility of, yet I feed it anyway so it stays and I feel guilty when it's outside in the rain.

Just recently I learned that September 10th is World Suicide Prevention Day. I don't know what word to use, but I think coincidence best describes the day. I wonder if I ever prevented her suicide with a random phone call here and there, or a text message, or anything that may have kept her here a little longer. I tried to call her often and invite her over to do things, and then one day I wanted to call and didn't and then I got that call that I can still hear so vividly in my head, and oh my god, I just wish I had called her. But I tell myself, if I did, maybe she would've been here a little longer, but that doesn't mean she would've stayed. I just miss her so painfully so and still can't believe my baby sister is gone from here. I'm surprised it's been nearly a year, and only slightly surprised that I get choked up so easily when I talk about her or even come across a memory of her. I miss her laugh and how easy it was to make her laugh and I miss hugging her. I hope she knew just how much I loved her.

Doctors

Yesterday, the three kiddos had their wellness checkups. All three were poked on the finger to check their iron levels and all three came back normal, even Elias, who was nearly anemic just a month ago. All weight and height was average for their ages, no vaccinations until Elias is four, Leah is twelve, and Jac is sixteen. We go back next year. Hopefully by then, Elias won't yell at Dr. Y, "I don't like you, Doctor!" or freak out when I set him on the exam table. I know he's got anxiety, but jeez. When Dr. Y asked the kids what they want to be when they grow up, Jac answered, "A video game designer." Leah answered, "A marine biologist or a vet." And my special smallest answered, "A goat."

Meanwhile, I went to my appointment this morning and my uncooperative youngest would not budge from his comfy place, sitting upright on my bladder, for a good profile picture. So, the tech did the best she could and I was able to see his little chubby cheeks, nose, and very open eyes. His heart was strong, measurements are 27 weeks, 1 day (right on schedule), and everything with me is okie dokie. I was surprised by the glucose test and felt like maybe they could've told me it was coming as I ate a toaster pastry this morning, but luckily I passed and won't need to take it again. Phew! Also, I didn't puke, thankfully. Unless that's just with the orange one? Gross either way.

Pregnancy Highlights:

How far along: 27 weeks, 1 day

Size of baby: Eggplant!

Total weight gain/loss: Gained 26 pounds.

Maternity clothes: Yep.

Gender: A boy.

Cravings: None.

Symptoms: Sciatic nerve and pelvic pain. Mild vertigo once in a while. Allergies.

Best moment this week: Hearing his heart beating, seeing his little face.

A post about Dad

Dad had another stroke yesterday. It's left him unable to communicate or walk. He had to have oxygen for a little while and was having difficulty swallowing. Basically, this is the end happening and I'm not sure when it's going to be the end. But it's soon now. It's weird and sad. I always thought I'd be ready because I knew he was much older when I was born, but I don't feel ready. I don't feel like I'm old enough to lose a parent. There was supposed to be more time. I've always been a Daddy's Girl and this is hard. I don't like the anticipation and the not-knowing, wondering what happens after, if he's scared, if he's ready, if he knows what's going on, if he's in pain or confused or at peace... I had those same wonders about Emily as her heart continued to beat. If she was there or not... It's heartbreaking. I'm trying to keep it together, but this current grief chapter I'm living is really taking a toll. It doesn't help that my mother thinks I need to ask my doctor for antidepressants to get through Emily's birthday. I'm not depressed. I'm sad. I feel alone in spite of having supportive friends. I can't talk about how I feel with my mother because her narcissism will minimize my grief and I don't want to put myself through that. So, I'm going to take it one day at a time. If Dad dies tomorrow, I'm going to accept my new grief tomorrow. When Emily's birthday arrives, I'm going to accept that grief on her birthday. I'm going to get through it like I got through (and get through) my miscarriage anniversaries. It'll just be another Sad Day I mark on the calendar. But for now, Dad's here and he told me he loves me and I'm going to keep that with me.

I was looking through my Box of Things on Sunday and found the letters he wrote me while I was living in a college dorm. I always got letters from him, some handwritten, some typed. Always signed by hand, though, Love Dad. He sent me silly jokes, weird facts, or comics from the newspaper. I never got letters from Mom, just him. I'm glad I saved them.

September Books

Zac went with Elias to pick up our groceries this morning while the big kids slept in and I slowly waddled my way from the bed to brushing my teeth to sitting at my computer browsing pictures of autumn leaves and crochet ideas. All the brood is feeling better aside from coughing.

We went to the library to pick out books for the week or so. I meant to list books last month, but I'm a slacker, so I'm going to list them now.

Jac has been reading a series called Warriors by Erin Hunter. The books are about four clans of wild cats who live in a shared forest and try to maintain the code of warriors set by their ancestors. He's been so enthusiastic about the series. I believe there are six different sets of series about each generation of warriors. The next series he wants to read is Dawn of the Clans. So far, the books he's read are:

• Into the Wild
• Fire and Ice
• Forest of Secrets
• Rising Storm
• A Dangerous Path
• The Darkest Hour (currently reading)

Leah started on the Judy Moody series, but she lost interest. I tried to get her into the Wildwood Chronicles by Colin Meloy and Carson Ellis, but the books are too big, so she's had a hard time finishing the first one. We checked it out three times, but she just never could stay focused on it. Zac started her on The Haunted Library series by Dori Hillestad Butler. So far, she's enjoying it.

• The Haunted Library: Dori Hillestad Butler
• Moon Pie: Simon Mason
• The Sister's Club, Rule of Three: Megan McDonald (this is actually the second in a three-book series)

Elias was stuck on The Gruffalo and Room on the Broom for the longest time, so we've ventured out for a variety. He usually gets the most books with each visit.

• Hello, Fall!: Deborah Diesen
• 26 Letters and 99 Cents: Tana Hoban
• Authur's Halloween Costume: Lillian Hoban
• How to be a Cat: Nikki McClure
• If Rocks Could Sing: Leslie McGuirk
• It's Halloween, Dear Dragon: Margaret Hillert
• Memoires of a Parrot: Devin Scillian
• My Stinky Dog: Christine Roussey
• Spoon: Amy Krouse Rosenthal
• The Best Cat in the World: Lesléa Newman

I'm very much loving all the reading going on right now. It was so hard getting the kids into reading, but they've come to embrace it. It's also helped get them away from the video game obsession (a struggle I know is all too real).

After the library, we stopped for doughnuts at Shipley's and then I picked up a decaf Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbuck's... something I've been looking forward to since November. I find it amusing that my belly encourages baristas to insist on no-caffeine, even though one cup a day isn't going to do any harm, but oh well. I'll just keep calling it a "small" instead of a "tall" because, let's face it, Starbucks is pretentious, but is the only coffee shop that makes a PSL worth spending $5 on.

Sick

As previously mentioned, I've had what can only be chalked up to bad allergies since March. I haven't run a fever or had a sore throat this whole time, thankfully. However, last week Leah spiked a fever, had a sore throat and some coughing for about two days. Then Elias caught whatever it was and has been spending the past few nights sleeping in our room in the playpen. Then Jac caught it (his lasted the shortest, but the cough lingers), and now Zac has it. So Zac is home from work today asleep. I'm not even sure where this mess came from because we're usually careful with germs, especially at church. Who knows?

Needless to say, it's been a fun two weeks, but I'm glad it's getting over with now so we'll all be feeling better for our beach trip next week. Meanwhile, Zac's the only one feeling like crap, so the rest of them are back to normal aside from the occasional cough and runny nose.

I managed to get another periodontal cleaning done last week because I had called them thinking I cracked a molar, but it was discovered to be "just a bruise"... on a tooth? Weird. My gums have improved a little bit since they saw me last, but pregnancy is preventing them from being better. She didn't even have to numb my gums much. I was supposed to have a cleaning back in March, but was sick with a cold, then pregnant, so time kind of slipped by. I go back in December, which is fun to think I'll have a tiny baby accompanying me by then.

Half the fun is to plan the plan

Zac made me a planner for school this year, but I've also used it for almost everything else: meals, appointments, trips, etc. The best part about Zac making this for me is I could choose the size, cover, and how it's laid out. Most convenient. I don't think I've been so organized my whole life.

The way I have it laid out is simple. It basically starts off with when I started teaching. The star colors are their colors for the lesson day: J, L, E. When Jac was in public school, red was bad; green was good; yellow was decent; and blue was outstanding. I'm just sticking to red, green, and yellow. You can see my Ladybug hasn't had the best streak, but she's working on it. Zac said I need to just write their initial in the correct color instead of stars, just to avoid confusion. I may do that in September. I also have our dinner for that night, any appointments coming up, etc. The notes to the side are the Drawing-A-Day titles so I don't have to find the saved pictures on my computer. I also have some detailed bits for the appointments. Zac also printed out some note pages for the individual days, which can be found behind the months on most planners. I put recipes there for whatever we're eating that night or grocery lists, or, for September, what to pack for the beach. It's been my most favorite thing ever having it. I had a planner before, but it was boring and I never used it. I think it even "expired" by the time I found it again (lol). There's also an expense sheet at the back of my planner, so I'm keeping up with bills. I'm still using my other budget book, but the main bills are going with expenses.

Next month, I'm hoping our menus will be a little more fun and varied because I'm getting a little sick of lasagna.

24 weeks, 1 day

Mom traded cars with me this morning so I could drive to my appointment, as well as run a few errands. It felt like a busy day, even though it didn't take much of the day up. I asked Dr. W if there was a chance he delivered at a closer hospital, but he does not. He did say that when I got to 38 to 39 weeks, we'd talk about a possible drug-free induction if everything is going well. I'd prefer to go into labor naturally, but I'm worried about laboring for a 30 to 40-minute drive after making the call to Alex or Mom and waiting for them to arrive at our house to sit with the big kids so we can leave for the hospital. All births are different, sure, but Elias came in three hours. This one might be quicker.

I brought all three kiddos to the appointment, but Jac and Leah stayed in the waiting room with their books while Elias came back to the room with me. They were so good, which usually they are, but they were really good. The big kids just sat reading quietly, they didn't get goofy or act up or argue. They just sat there. The receptionist gushed over them, which made me all fluttery and proud. Elias sat still in his chair, watching the nurse and sitting quietly, not a peep and not a moment of hopping up to wrap himself around my leg. Proud mama is proud. Meanwhile, Bug is doing just fine. His feet are up my left side, while his head is on the right, and the rest of him is making a U shape under my belly. I'm measuring at 25 weeks, but he's just stretched out. Nothing they can do about my sciatic nerve pain, so I'm just going to stick with my cat-cow yoga stretches for some relief.

Pregnancy highlights:

How far along: 24 weeks, 1 day.

Size of baby: Ear of corn!

Total weight gain/loss: I lost a pound, so I've only gained 15 so far.

Maternity clothes: I'm going shopping this weekend because I've outgrown everything that stretches. Even my underwear.

Gender: Boy.

Movement: So much, sometimes sharp jabs that take my breath away.

Best moment this week: Strong heartbeat and lots of little kicks.

We hung out at my parents' after church this evening. Dad's looking alright but his bad eye is infected. He seems content, yet bored with current life. I don't think he's going to the beach with us in September, which may be for the best. He hates long drives and will only want to lay in a bed and watch TV. But, Elias cheered him up a lot. That kiddo wandered in there and just sat and talked to Dad about cars and trucks, asked him about his eye and such. It was precious.

Back To School

Preschool, fourth, and seventh grades have started! So far, our first day back in the routine (and Elias' first day ever) went incredibly smooth. I'm hoping it's a good sign for the majority of the year. I've planned out our schedule up until the end of November because I'm not 100% sure when Bug is arriving and will most likely give the kids a week off school so we can get used to having a new baby around... Again.

Zac made me a planner, as well as school-only art books for the big kids. I found an awesome website Sketch Book Skool that offered a drawing-a-day for all the months of the year, so these new art books will be put to good use. I'm hoping it'll encourage some creativity. Elias is starting with a preschool book I bought from Walmart instead of the material from Abeka. He'll finish ten days before Jac and Leah, but can participate with a page a day using his own crayons. He'll be learning colors, shapes, numbers, art, science, some math, letters, and sounds throughout the year, so I'm excited. My main focus is keeping Elias eager to learn. He only took a single prompt to hold a crayon the correct way, and his sticker reward brings a lot of enthusiasm. He's on the right track! Jac is going to be learning Algebra within the next few weeks, so I'm a little nervous about it. I was never good at Algebra, but I'm going to try working some problems with him to see if I can become more confident. Leah is reviewing a lot of what she learned in third grade, but has been super focused.

Here's to a good year!

Elias is THREE!

My littlest sweetie pie pumpkin is three today!

Every morning, he comes into my room with a cheerful "good mone-in' mom", dragging his blanket behind him. He holds his hand out so I can pull him onto my bed to save him from the monsters on the floor. We snuggle, or he wants to watch TV. He's so sweet and kind, hugging Zac and me tight around the legs, snuggling the older siblings and the pets. He says "I love you so much!" and "Thanks berry much!" or "you welcome,  ha!" He's sassy, but learning that asking nicely with a "please" works while shouting demands does not. He's so funny, too. If his feelings are hurt, he'll flop onto the floor and lie very still, playing dead. Sometimes he'll come tell me "[sibling, parent, pet] is being a jerk to me." I'm trying to teach him to say "mean" but, he can be stubborn about what words he wants to use. At night, Zac and I (as well as Jac and Leah) take turns reading him bedtime stories and right after he gets tucked in, he'll grab me by the arm with, "Don't you leave me!" Sometimes I rock him or sing to him. My belly is getting bigger so he's running out of lap room, but I'll rock him til I can't.

He's a picky eater, favoring red beans and rice, but disliking pizza and most meats. We're working on etiquette when it comes to nose-picking, so if he's caught with his finger in his nose, he'll say, "Can I go hide so I can pick my nose?" He's also drinking out of regular cups without making a mess and he's still potty training.

I asked him what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday: "Green cake with a blue flower."

What kind of dinner? "Grits!" then later changed it to "Um, how bout a cheeseburger?"

I'm going to start teaching him preschool things this school year. He knows his alphabet, though has difficulty recognizing letters, can count to 15, and can hold up three fingers when asked how old he is. Walmart and Target have some work books and stickers, so when I pick up school supplies next week, they're on the list.

Friends

Ashley and Mike are moving about an hour away from us this weekend. We've been so used to seeing them every weekend that it's a sad change. A good one, for them, but sad regardless. My relationships with my friends are so important. They're my family. When Emily died, I felt like I would never have that connection to another person ever again. Thankfully, I have a close handful of ones I love so much who stepped in and they give me a place to put that need for connection, regardless of how far away they are. I've had to remove a few friendships in my life and it's never easy letting go of someone I've known a long time. Sometimes, it's just exhausting trying to be a lighthouse for someone who would prefer to stay lost at sea. Meanwhile, Ashley and I have made plans for our families to get together one more time Friday, and from there we will see how to go about getting together as often as we can.

Power Outage

We had an intense storm come through last night, which lasted less than ten minutes. Once it cleared up, I was about to put Elias to bed when our power surprisingly went out. I lit a few candles and Zac and I sat in the dark while the three kids entertained themselves with flashlights and headlamps. Fun stuff. Two hours later and the lights came back on, so we didn't get to bed until after midnight.

Today, Zac took Elias with him to pick up our groceries from Walmart, then we made our weekly trip to the library to return a few books and pick out new ones. Mike and Ashley are moving an hour away from us next weekend, so we made plans to go see them this afternoon. It'll be weird not seeing them often anymore. Ashley is the only local friend I have. However, we're going to work out ways to still hang out. She's going to look for a halfway place where we can meet and sometimes we may even make it an overnight trip.

August

Already August... Just a few more weeks until the Pumpkin Season arrives! Can't wait. The leaves have already lost their deep green and are starting to get lighter.

So far, Leah has lost another tooth. It's been wiggling for the past few weeks, but finally came out. She now has two other wiggly ones to deal with at a later date. I cut Elias' hair off. He's been fussing with it for a while and I looked up some pictures for little boys with straight hair and decided to just buzz it all off. He sat so still and I'm still getting used to his new look. He reminds me of a little Jac, but where Jac was sweet and gentle, Elias is a major goofball like his sister. Meanwhile, my Jac is getting too tall and has outgrown all of his clothes from last year. Time to go Christmas shopping early, I guess. And he's got a mustache... Help.

Brave

I've heard "You're so brave!" a number of times since I released the news that a 4th baby would be joining our family. I'm not sure what to do with that information. What does brave mean? Three of my six pregnancies were planned, knowing full-well what I was getting myself into. I don't think that's bravery. I think it's just that I liked my first kid so much, I wanted to have more.

I was talking to Zac the other day about how we were when we were just starting to get to know each other. He didn't know how to do laundry, neither of us knew how to cook or pay bills or housebreak a dog. We sort of taught each other and ourselves before YouTube was discovered. I had asked him how many kids he thought he'd have one day and he replied with, "Probably just one." He's glad we have more, but before you have kids, kids are scary. Parenting is scary. Then we got pregnant while neither of us was working or had our own place or knew how to budget money. We panicked and moved in with my parents. Zac worked overnight and slept during the day, so for much of Jac's baby days, I was on my own. I was glad Zac was working, though. I wasn't glad that my parents' were overbearing and critical of my parenting choices instead of supportive. When Jac developed colic at two weeks old, I probably could've coped better without my parents intruding. Two very long years later, we moved out. Zac got a steady job with Sean and we decided to have "one more" baby. After all, Jac was easy. He was so sweet and happy. Even his tantrums weren't that bad with his tightly balled fists and quiet mad faces while he muttered profanities like "dirty diapers" and "traffic". I wanted to experience a newborn again, but without the company of my parents this time. And so Leah was conceived. I wasn't thinking how brave it was of me to plunge into the newborn phase with a toddler along for the ride. I was just thinking that I wanted another baby.

Leah was my easiest pregnancy and best baby. She rarely cried unless she needed a bath, and would go to sleep on her own effortlessly. However, she proved to be my most dramatic child, even today. I think we catered to her a bit because she is a girl and was our youngest. She made our family feel complete. One boy, one girl. They were best friends and we were done. The funny thing is when you have one baby, you're asked "When are you going to have another?" When you have two babies, especially one of each, you're told "Oh, how lucky! You won't need to have more!" Friends I have, who either have same-gendered children or only one child are always asked, "Don't  you want to try for [opposite gender]?" or "Don't you think [only child] will be lonely without siblings?" The pressure, I tell ya.

Then I got pregnant unexpectedly and lost it just as unexpectedly three weeks later. When you tell people you're expecting a third baby, the expressions change. Suddenly there are concerns instead of excitement. Ignorant comments like, "What if this one is special needs?" "How are you going to manage a newborn with your hands full already?" When you tell these same people you lost your baby you were so excitedly pregnant with, those same people offer sympathetic drivel such as "That was close!" "Well, it was for the best." "Just enjoy what you have without messing it up." and you're left open-mouthed and hurt because what the fuck. With my first two pregnancies, miscarriage never crossed my mind. I read about it, sure. I felt sad for those women who lost babies. However, I had it in my head that I was a snowflake. Not once did I run to the bathroom checking for blood in my underwear. I didn't think about cramping meaning anything other than an expanding uterus. But, once I lost that third baby, all I could think about was how much I desperately wanted that baby and needed another baby. Two co-workers became pregnant and the pain of my loss was overwhelming. I was told "Be glad you already have two kids" over and over. I was glad I had two older kids. But I was also sad that I had a third kid who never gestated past 7 weeks and I grieved everything I saw in my older kids that I would never see in this third one. After a year, we decided we'd have "just one more". No bravery, just a maternal ache to hold a baby in my arms again.

Elias was a challenge from the beginning of my pregnancy to his first birthday. My pregnancy with him was the most uncomfortable physically and emotionally. I was in pain constantly and was so afraid to lose him. Had he been my first pregnancy (and baby), he most likely would've been my last. Or at least I'd tell myself that until he got to be around his current age. Elias was (and still kind of is) a high-needs baby. I ended up buying a baby wrap for him because he needed constant contact with Mama. Nobody else would do. I would either need to hold him or nurse him to keep him from screaming. It was exhausting. Once he could crawl, he was less fussy and more enjoyable. Now, he's just the sweetest little toddler. He's the only one, so far, who does what he's told without saying "Hold on a sec" and goes to bed on time without asking 100,000,000 questions or needing last minute food or drink.

I daydreamed about having another baby after Elias was born, though I pushed it to the back of my mind. I never felt "done", but Zac and I had compromised with our much-wanted second son that I didn't want to bring up having another. That's the thing with babies. You can't exactly compromise, but we worked it out. Since Elias was my last baby, we sucked up every moment. I breastfed for eight months in spite of my parents telling me "He's too old to still be nursing," but I weaned him when he wouldn't stop biting me. Then we started boxing up the outgrown baby clothes and gave away the bottles. I reluctantly sold his infant car seat and my baby wraps he was too big for and sadly accepted that there would be no more new babies for us. I think that was more strength of emotions instead of bravery. But then Emily died. And my heart broke. I felt like I would never experience an equivalent joy to offset that unbearable grief. So, I started bringing up the idea of a last baby, much to Zac's hesitation and somewhat annoyance.

Another unexpected pregnancy came and went once more. This time, I felt sad, but not broken. I think part of me knew I might lose another baby if I were to get pregnant again, so I fought inwardly with my baby fever, but felt hopeful that one more would come along at the right time. When I saw "pregnant" on my digital test, I was worried how Zac would react since we weren't trying. He was actually happy about it. He's never been unhappy with our pregnancies, but he's a logical thinker who worries about the future, unlike myself who lives in a whimsical wonderland. We both wanted that baby and started making plans for room arrangements and looking into a bigger vehicle. Then I miscarried and we decided to just try again and keep our plans of adding one more baby to our family.

I don't think about how many children I have because right now, I'm so used to them that I don't see the OMG factor. However, responding to "Is this your first pregnancy?" from a stranger when I'm out by myself with, "No, this is actually my fourth" brings out the unsolicited remarks, "You know how babies are made, right?" "You could request a tubal ligation at delivery." "When's he getting fixed?" "Are you done yet?"

Bravery would be unloading some maternal rage at those who criticize my reproduction and parenting choices, but I don't like confrontation, so I make this face and internalize it.

It's not bravery, it's DiGiorno.

20 weeks, 1 day

Mom traded cars with me this morning so I could drive to the doctor in something that would get me there without worries. I dropped my big kids off with Zac around 9am, then headed to Canton. I'm a little bothered that my OB moved over that way because it's a longer drive. I can't imagine laboring in a car that long... Yikes.

ANYWAY. The appointment was super thorough. The tech checked for a cleft palate, correct chambers in his heart, spine length, etc. It was crazy how much I could see on the screen compared to even being pregnant with Elias so few years ago. He's got Zac's nose and lips, which made him look so much like Leah's ultrasound pictures, minus her little round cheeks. I just can't wait to see him.

Pregnancy highlights:

How far along: 20 weeks, 1 day.

Size of baby: Banana!

Total weight gain/loss: 16 pounds heavier.

Maternity clothes: Still leggings, though they're getting snug.

Gender: Still very much a boy. I had her check again, just in case.

Movement: A lot in the afternoon and right before bed. He's sitting low on my hips and doesn't like when I lean forward.

Cravings: Nothing specific anymore, just hungry more often.

Symptoms: Hungry, tired, random spurts of energy.

Best moment this week: Everything looked perfect on his scan. No worries.

Eighty-two

My grumpy old dad has turned 82. He's been doing surprisingly well, up and down, since his fall almost two years ago. It's impressive how much his body wants to live, even on the days he doesn't. His strength is slowly returning, but I'm taking credit for that since I baked him his favorite yellow cake with chocolate frosting. He always perks up with sweets, even though he may not look like it.

A little of this, a little of that

The past few weeks have been uneventful. I haven't had many hours at work, so I've been spending time with my kiddos and crocheting a lot. We've been going to the library every Saturday to pick out books that the kids can read on their own and that I can read to them as well. Right now, we're working on Mary Poppins. Jac has nearly finished the Wimpy Kid series and Leah is reading her way through the Judy Moody series. It's so awesome seeing them reading so much. The library gave them coupons to Cane's which allows a free kid's meal after reading seven books. Zac is exited about that more than they are.

* * * * *

I'm a little over 19 weeks into this pregnancy and have started nesting in random bursts. Some days my allergies are so bad, I'm too exhausted to do much. I'm taking Benadryl, which makes me drowsy, but I plan to ask Dr. W for a non-drowsy remedy when I see him next week. I can feel Bug from the outside now, which is nice. He's sitting super low, right where my hips are. I was thinking he'd have moved up by now, but nope. It makes mid-night trips to the bathroom super fun. I'm also up a good 20 pounds, which has been fluctuating a bit the past two weeks. It's only six pounds over my high-end limit for healthy weight gain, so I'm not worried. Like I said, it fluctuates.

* * * * *

Dad's home from rehab since he wasn't improving with his physical therapy. He's been home maybe two weeks and is now on hospice care. He's been sick with a UTI and a fever this week. Hopefully he feels better soon. We're planning to go over there this weekend with a cake for his 82nd birthday if he's feeling up for it. I'd like to get a really good picture of my three kids together and frame it for him. He doesn't have any pictures of them from recently. He's glad to be home, though. He can lay in his own bed, watch TV, eat food that isn't from a cafeteria, etc. Much happier.

4th of July 2018

Our fourth of July was spent with Ashley and Mike at our house. Zac grilled hot dogs and made strawberry and blueberry shortcakes while I hurriedly finished crocheting Ashley's lap blanket before she noticed what I was doing. Our kids played together rather well and lit some sparklers in the rain.

As for the blanket, I've been crocheting a lot lately. I made some booties and a hat for Bug, as well as a blanket, plus the first blanket for Ashley that I ran out of yarn on (and Walmart doesn't sell that type anymore, of course). So I had to start completely over with new yarn and managed to whip up a lap blanket in two days. Now, if only I could sell some and get a home business going.

Balloons

Recently, we learned that every year, there is a hot-air balloon festival near Jackson. Last year, we tried to go, but it was rained out. This year, or yesterday, we managed to find a parking spot near the mall where the balloons were within sight. There was no lift-off, but they were lit up to glow, a.k.a, "Balloon Glow". We sat in the parking lot, eating Chik Fil A and watching the balloons inflate until it grew darker and Elias decided he was done with life because there were no firetrucks to see.

Allergies

So I've been suffering from allergies since probably March, maybe sooner. I figured it was the change of the seasons. But, as I've been staying indoors to avoid excessive pollen outside, I discovered only recently that I'm actually allergic to my cats. Awesome. I guess it doesn't help that Maple is unnaturally fluffy, so much in fact, I could build a new cat with the fur he leaves in clumps around the house. I read that pregnancy can lower my immunity to everything, but I never thought it would mean a trip into the past when my allergy to cats was most non-triumphant. I'm living in a Benadryl fog and it's a struggle. I'll be relatively comatose until the smallest arrives.

I dream in cheesecake.

So I can't get enough to eat, apparently. I'm worried I'm eating more than I should, but it feels like not enough and I'm left with a burning sensation in my guts. Drinking water helps, but let's get real, I want a bowl of strawberries and some carrots and maybe a hot dog or seven. And nachos, broccoli and cheese soup, brownies, a smoothie, and whatever else Scott Calvin listed when he was in denial about being Santa Claus.

Food Survey

1. How do you feel about golden Oreos? I dig 'em.
2. What is your favorite dessert topping? Butterscotch or cherries.
3. What is your favorite flavor/brand of bubble gum? Minty kind.
4. Favorite cheese? Cake.
5. Favorite lunch meat? Bologna. Seriously.
6. Favorite ice cream flavor? Vanilla. Not vanilla bean.
7. Best looking food? Sushi.
8. Best food to put cheese on? Potatoes.
9. Best sexual food? Strawberries, I guess.
10. Best tasting drink in the summer? Ice tea or pink lemonade.
11. Best tasting drink in the winter? Hot cocoa or apple cider.
12. Best food for a night out with friends? Sushi.
13. Best foods to eat with a roll? Soups.
14. Messiest food, in your opinion? Barbecue.
15. Easiest food to prepare? Take out.
16. Cheapest food you ever ate? Taco Bell.
17. Most expensive food you ever ate? Disney World food.
18. Stinkiest food you ever ate? Tuna.
19. Favorite dipping sauce? Depends on what's being dipped.
20. Best pizza topping? Artichokes.
21. Favorite potato chip flavor? Plain for dipping.
22. Most toxic substance you ever ate? I drank a bottle of orange Triaminic when I was little.
23. Most calories you ate in one meal? I'm sure it was a buffet of some sort.
24. Favorite soda? Red cream soda.
25. Favorite flavor of juice? White grape peach.
26. Favorite vegetable? Zucchini.
27. Favorite fruit? Raspberries.
28. Worst canned food? Fruit cocktail.
29. Best side dish? Potatoes.
30. Worst fast food restaurant? Taco Bell.
31. Best restaurant? Sushi places.
32. Best smelling food? Peppers.
33. Favorite appetizer? Spinach artichoke dip.
34. Favorite cookie flavor? White chocolate chip.
35. Favorite cake flavor? Carrot.
36. Favorite pie flavor? Cherry.
37. Chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? Neither.
38. Ketchup or mustard? Mustard.
39. Best food to have on a date? Sushi.
40. Most share-able food? Amy doesn't share food.

It's a...

BOY!

Another little boy... He's perfect in every way, though my heart felt this would be a little girl. I had a name for a girl, but another boy means we don't have to do much shopping as I still have quite a few of Elias' things. Now to pick a name. He was so wiggly the whole time the tech was trying to measure him. She wasn't even sure if the gender would be correct at this age, but she said he is 100% male. I told the kids if he was a girl, we'd go to Bops; a boy, we'd go to Fernando's. So we had Fernando's for dinner with Mom. Afterward, we went to visit my dad for a little while in the rehab facility. He's looking alright, just tired.

Everything is good with me. Weight is normal, blood work is normal, etc. I don't have to go back until mid July.

Pregnancy highlights:

How far along: 16 weeks, 1 day.

Size of baby: Avocado!

Total weight gain/loss: I've gained about 12 pounds.

Maternity clothes: Stretchy shirts now.

Gender: Boy!

Movement: Here and there. Usually random times throughout the day.

Cravings: Not really. I still love potatoes, which explains the 12 pounds, I'm sure.

Symptoms: Really tired in the afternoon to where I have to sleep or I get a headache.

Best moment this week: Gender scan.

Siblings

Meredith and Matt drove through town on their way back to Texas, so we, along with my brother and his family, and Mom met up at China Buffet for dinner. It was nice visiting with them. All the kids sat together at one table like "big kids" while us adults and smaller kids sat at another.

After dinner, Meredith, Mom, my big two, and myself went to see my dad for a few minutes before heading to Mom's to hang out. I'm hoping we can go visit Meredith in July, but that plan is still up in the air. The kids would love the trip.

Seven

I've never cared for the number seven, even though it's usually a significant number: days of the week, deadly sins, Voldemort's horcruxes, etc. But now, today, is the seventh month my sister is not here. Seven months I've gone without hearing her on the other side of a phone conversation, without a response to a goofy video, without words of encouragement when Mom is most annoying. She's not here to come by and have coffee with me. I'm actually not sure how seven months have gone by when it feels like she was just here yesterday.

I realized that it doesn't get easier to go through my days without thinking about her or missing her. Sometimes it feels like I'm going to finally be okay, but to be honest, it just gets pushed down over and over until it spills out. The other night, I was on my way home from work, and I was listening to some music she never heard of. But suddenly, I was choked up and couldn't keep my tears back. It just hurt to know we'll never ride in the same car together or hear her singing so loud. Even writing this is hard to do without tears. It's been a rough seven months. I'm trying to wade through the thickness of grief and mourning while holding on to the the joy of one more little soul to complete our family, but it gets overwhelming at times. I'm lucky that I have a handful of really great friends (long-distance and local) who understand my sorrow and are there for me, even if it's only through social media. They can't take Emily's place, but they help fill that empty space in my chest and remind me that it's okay to be sad.

What do your kids know about you? Pt 2

A few years ago, I posted this, so after seeing Katie post an updated one, I thought I'd do the same.

Without ANY prompting, ask your child these questions and write down EXACTLY what they say. It is a great way to find out what they really think. When you re-post, put your child's age.

Jac, age 12

1. What is something Mom always says to you? "Not right now."
2. What makes Mom happy? "Breakfast in bed and cleaning up without you telling us to."
3. What makes Mom sad? "If we do things that get us fussed at or if we aggravate you."
4. How does your mom make you laugh? "By tickling me."
5. What was your mom like as a child? "A good kid."
6. How tall is your mom? "About five feet? Or maybe a yard and three feet... or two yards."
7. What is her favorite thing to do? "Crochet."
8. What does your mom do when you're not around? "Plays on the computer."
9. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for? "Crocheting the world's biggest blanket."
10. What is your mom really good at? "Crocheting, cooking and desserting baking."
11. What is your mom not very good at? "Um... Hmm... not hurting herself at her job."
12. What does your mom do for a job? "Bath & Body Works and crocheting."
13. What is your mom's favorite food? "Sushi!"
14. What makes you proud of your mom? "She's my mom."
15. If your mom were a character, who would she be? "Maleficent."
16. What do you and your mom do together? "Mario Kart."
17. How are you and your mom the same? "We both have younger siblings."
18. How are you and your mom different? "Our favorite colors."
19. How do you know your mom loves you? "Because she tells me that and she plays with me and reads to me."
20. Where is your mom's favorite place to go? "Louisiana."
21. How old was your mom when you were born? "22."

Leah, age 9

1. What is something Mom always says to you? "Clean your room."
2. What makes Mom happy? "Whenever I listen and do my full chore chart."
3. What makes Mom sad? "Whenever I don't listen."
4. How does your mom make you laugh? "Tells jokes that are really funny."
5. What was your mom like as a child? "Nice... I think? She was good."
6. How tall is your mom? "About four feet."
7. What is her favorite thing to do? "Crochet, sometimes play games a bit and watch movies with Dad."
8. What does Mom do when you're not around? "She might worry about me."
9. If your mom becomes famous, what would it be for? "Probably making a million blankets. Crochet ones."
10. What is your mom really good at? "Crocheting, cooking, and... lemme think. Making us happy? And keeping me safe."
11. What is your mom not very good at? "Making me sad."
12. What does your mom do for a job? "Um... sorts candles."
13. What is your mom's favorite food? "Macarons and sushi."
14. What makes you proud of your mom? "She helps me, cooks for me. She's nice to me, but she's also really good at most things."
15. If your mom were a character, who would she be? "Someone beautiful. Maleficent."
16. What do you and your mom do together? "We sometimes go shopping."
17. How are you and your mom the same? "We're both girls."
18. How are you and your mom different? "You want a bunch of children, but I don't *evil grin*."
19. How do you know your mom loves you? "You're nice to me, you cook for me, and you play with me, and you also say you do."
20. Where is your mom's favorite place to go? "Target and your room."
21. How old was your mom when you were born? "25."

BBQ & Pool

Ashley invited us over to swim and eat grilled burgers, so we accepted and spent a few hours with her and her guys. The kids had a blast in the water. I didn't pack my own suit, though I wished I had not long after putting my feet in the shallow end. I've got too many scrapes from work, so it was probably best to avoid the sting of chlorine. I'll be sure to pack a suit next time, just in case. The burgers were amazing and it was nice getting out of the house and doing something fun.

Dad and summer stuff

My dad had a stroke two weeks ago and is staying in a rehab facility for the time being. His left side is weak and he's not really trying to strengthen it on his own. The physical therapist says that he goes through the motions with them, but doesn't talk much and is just not looking so good. He just wants to stay in bed and sleep. Honestly, Dad hasn't said more than a few words since Emily died. The therapist learned this and has decided to put him on some anti-depressants in hopes it can help him find some joy in life again. He's just so sad. He doesn't want to talk about Emily, but I know she's all he thinks about. Hopefully the anti-depressants can help him.

* * * * *

It's been very hot lately. I've had a number of nosebleeds and allergy issues, as well as plenty of dizzy spells - some of which I blame on growing a small human. I've reached my second trimester already, so it's going by fast (or it will until the last month, I'm sure). We've decided on some baby names, but there are still two more weeks until we know for sure.

The kids are enjoying their summer so far. We bought a kiddie pool a few weeks ago. It took some Zac-convincing, but he agreed that "maybe it's a good idea" because OMG it's hot outside. I had brought Jac and Leah with me to Walmart and we picked out the largest plastic pool (only $15), then we all held it onto the roof through the windows for the ten-mile drive home... in the rain... because we didn't have rope in the trunk. A good memory for the vault.

Elias is potty training FINALLY. He's been asking to go and has been wearing Pull-ups, though he only poops on the toilet (honestly, I don't mind that in the slightest). Making progress. We may only be buying one kid diapers come December. Fingers crossed. 

Leah is NINE!

My little lady is 9 years old today. Unfortunately, I have to work tonight, so we're taking her out for birthday shopping tomorrow.

She loves taking rides to go places, even if she ends up staying in the car. She can name most Pokemon, likes playing Mario Bros. games and jumping on the trampoline. The occasional sass is still in effect, but mostly with looks and not words (thankfully). She's sweet and funny and enjoys being a big sister. Elias just loves her to pieces. She started carrying a small handbag and has shown an interest in origami and spirographs. Her chores are washing dishes and tidying the den and she wants to learn to cook. Her personality is more outgoing these days and she's quick to make a friend. I'm so proud of the little person she's becoming.

Last night, Mom took us out to eat at Ichiban because little lady, like her mama, loves sushi. And oh, was it divine. I got my sushi fix, though it's never enough, and I let the big kids fill up on desserts. Mom dropped off an ice cream cake after the kids were in bed, so we're set for birthday fun.

It's bittersweet because last year, we celebrated Leah's birthday at Ichiban and Emily was with us. Dad was also not as bad off health-wise as he is now.

12 weeks & other stuff

Zac took the big kids to work with him and I brought Elias with me to the doctor for my 12-week appointment. The tech spent a good two, try-not-to-panic minutes looking for Bug's heartbeat until she realized she was too low. Strong heartbeat found, much relief. I go back June 20th.

I picked the kids up after my appointment and we went to get their new glasses. Jac needed a new prescription and Leah only needs hers for reading. I'm hoping she doesn't lose this pair.

After glasses, we ordered some fast food, picked up Zac for lunch, and headed to the park to hang out until Zac had to get back.

Pregnancy highlights:

How far along: 12 weeks.

Size of baby: Plum!

Total weight gain/loss: Five pounds total gained.

Maternity clothes: I can't button regular denims anymore.

Gender: Unknown.

Movement: Yes! Just a few flutters now and then when I'm lying on my back.

Cravings: Random. I wanted tomato soup and grilled cheese tonight.

Symptoms: So tired, but less nausea. Far less patience.

Best moment this week: Feeling flutters and hearing the heartbeat.